I want to share with you my pain [GA]

bump!

See, here's the thing about emotion, and you might already know this, or my post might clue you in, or you might figure it out later, or you might never figure it out. I don't know. I'm just some guy on the Internet. But the fact is that, no matter what happens, there is a reaction inside you that you have zero control over. Every time something hurts, even if you feel like you "handled it", it still hurts. And the more you "handle it", the more it poisons you inside, until you become depressed, or psychotic, or some other kind of mentally ill.

Right now, you are steering straight toward a whole lot of nope, and it absolutely will damage you, and there is nothing you can do about it. In 5, 10, or 20 years, it won't matter if you wanted to lose her. What will matter is that you have Major Depressive Disorder because you internalize way too much of the emotions that you should be handling on a day to day basis, because that's how you got by those years of your life. Trust me, I am you, then. Don't be me. Get away, have your cry, get on with your life.

Maaan, how many times I suffered stuff like this, I can't count.
It changed suddenly when I was 28-29 years old. Suddenly, bang, everyone wants me.

just a bump...

well looks like you should looks somewhere else because relationship with a person who is unstable with emotion can end only disastrous
wish you much lucl

Plenty of people here are telling you to move on, but not all people can do that, and while it's a given that you will suffer anyway in such a case people underestimate how much misery that brings (especially if they've never been on the receiving end of such a situation) and think everyone can and should move on. You might even be ok after separating from her for 1 or 2 years initially and you'll think you've moved on and aren't affected by your past anymore, and then suddenly other life circumstances will make you fall onto depression and self-hate and you will start regretting everything in your life, starting from things you had no control over like your family and ending with things you had control over (like this situation) where you will be stuck in an endless loop of "what-if... what-if...."

And I'm not fear-mongering, this is what actually happened to me and I'm still suffering from depression and having my ex-girlfriend popup in my dreams sometimes even though I found another girlfriend that I love. because of how messy the breakup with my ex was for me

My advice, if your personality is anything like mine and you had other breakups in the past, is to play her game, pretend that "you're just a friend", and distance yourself a bit, while actually waiting for her relation with her colleague to fall off on its own. This is not just wish-wash and you actually have a very high leverage on her right now without doing anything that makes you a dick and here's why :

1) Statistically there's an initial very high chance that this person is not "the perfect fit" for her. People drop out of relationships throughout their life more than they find their "perfect fit", and most people end up not finding their "perfect fit" after all and settle for the best of what they have found. This is a cynical point but right now it works in your favor.

2) The only thing we know right now about this "colleague" is that he's just that. A work colleague. If you're willing to play the long game (and like I said you might as well, you have everything to lose, and everything to gain. DO NOT go down without a fight, you will only lose your self-confidence and self-esteem, and some temporary "shame" and "weakness" might be necessary to get what you want in life...), you can preserve your friendship with her and wait for an occasion where you can see this work colleague, to determine what "qualities" or "traits" he might have that made your girl think she might have a chance with him (If I were to guess, I'd say he's probably just handsome, with financial stability and looks "responsable" but that depends on what you and her see in him..)

3) All of this is that so you can play the "balancing game" between you and "Mr.Colleague" in your girls mind (a balance analogy might not be scientific but this is the best one I know of). For some time that 5-year girl was the one who tipped the balance in her favor in comparison with everyone else your girl ever knew or met in her life, then either she or your girl messed up and that allowed you to tip the balance in your favor. And now that colleague has tipped the balance in his favor by confessing.

4) Your observations of him are to determine if there is still a chance for you and if his initial confession is what perplexed your girl and made her think this way or if there's something serious going on. If you're lucky you can guess potential cracks right away (I can already think of one : there has been studies that stated that mixing work and love relationships is very hard and that such relationships might work but they require extra work and consciousness. So already if you ask me I don't predict a bright future for them. And there's also the chance he might have fatal flaws like superficiality, being a playboy...).

If you're not then your continuous presence by her side is what will make you definitively win the battle in the long term. By not messing up and cutting all your cords with her right away, you're tossing the ball in his play-field and you will be making him (whether he knows it or not) have to play "perfectly" to keep her by his side. As long as you're around here, you'll keep your "progress" in her balance against him, and he will have to compare against you each day if he wants to keep her. And the thing with humans is that, eventually, they always mess up. So play it safe, stick around, stay friendly and do not mess up, and your second rebound might really happen when they break up on their own.

4.1) And other things about your girl : the "balance" I talked about in her mind still accounts for you unconsciously no matter how much she will proclaim that you're "just a friend". I saw this with my own girlfriend first-hand with some male study colleagues she had and I had to be doubly vigilant lest she was slowly stolen from me. It doesn't mean she's a bad person, it really is human nature and no one wants to acknowledge real things like "Temptation" anymore. In fact, sorry if I'm being rude saying this but this is doubly the case for your girlfriend because she's "bisexual". So be careful and use this to your advantage.

Second, while far from generalizing all girls, I saw some trends within girly social media circles where they always praise a man who never gives up on them, even when the girl herself shies him away. So by sticking around you're not giving her a chance to complain about you and her position against you will be weaker, no matter how contradictory that might seem for you (and for me...)

5) In the meantime, aside from never changing and being her friend that has always been there for here, I can also safely say that you HAVE TO at least consider searching more broadly for another love interest while sticking around her (let's call this Plan B). The advantages are

5.1) You're not losing time by while sitting idly, and finding another girl might take you years (yes, years), but that's OK because you didn't give up on your current girl already (plan A). Don't let yourself fall into an emotional void, ever.

5.2) There's the chance that plan A might be really dead in the water (you'll know this when they've had numerous bumps, arguments, and serious problems, but ended up always coming back together. Or when they formally marry, even getting engaged isn't a guarantee anymore). In which case you will sadly have to give up, but it's OK-yish because you can face your conscience after having done everything you could and not giving up, and also because of plan B .

5.3) The simple risk of you getting another girlfriend and not depending on your girl anymore for friendship might persuade her to rethink her decision of having a relationship with her "colleague". Yeah this is corny and I never had this happen to me but do not discard this possibility, for it might be what saves your ass again after all

The disadvantages are that this requires some emotional maturity from your side in order to entertain all the possibilities at the same time, but in this case you have little to lose, and everything to gain, so give it a try at least.

=
Ok that's all , I think. Have a good read :)

Loving a friend can work for a relationship. 17 years ago, i met a girl over a gaming forum, we build several morrowind mods together, we started lots of MMOs as a team, we played together for years almost every day, while we were both happy in own relationships, just being friends. After 6 years, at a guild meeting from an MMO we came more close and now we have a deep relationship for 11 years, are both absolutely happy. It was worth risking the friendship, it was a win for both of us.

Many people say, that such things can not work, and so it might happen, that many people refuse such relationships, just because they heard it so often. And with this in mind they maybe are losing both, the perfect partner and the friend, because a "refused" friend has a very hard time to really stay as a friend, if he/she is feeling more love than being a friend. This could destroy both. I know this, because i fell in love with a girl in my school time, that was my best friend for years, and she refused me and this ended in a complete disaster, we stopped meeting some weeks after i said her, that i loved her, because we both had started to feel uncomfortable next to each other after this.

But for sure, i can not give you a real advice, i don't know you nor that girl enough to do a forecast that will last, most likely even a person next to you everyday, can't do that. But i can feel with you this pain, you are going through. I wish you best luck in getting all sorted out, the best possible way for both of you, what ever this might be.

pmub

Hope you can work things out

i would say forget her. but if you really want her, you have to make her want you without her knowing you are doing it. you have to know what really makes her want someone (super difficult to find out) there are books to help with this sort of thing.

Ok, here's what might be going in her head:
she likes you, but as a friend only; she's just got out of her long-term relationship, she was confused and she did what she thought was right to help her cope with the situation. The guy from the work is someone she fancied already and she decided to give him a try now that she's single and he showed her he's interested too.
Or
she's a jerk (I'm sad to say a lot of us, women, are jerks). She used you as a rebound but as soon as someone more attractive came to the picture, she chose him. She wants to keep you around as a "safe option" in case things didn't work out for them, under the disguise of friendship.
I don't know you or her but IMO you should let her go in order to avoid being hurt even more; you can't force anyone to feel certain way and unless she realises herself you're the one for her, there's no chance for a relationship you want to have with her.

Bump :D

Bump

She might be desperate and truly not sure what she wants after losing long relationship... bump for pain. :-(

Bump

Bump

Bumpo~

I really feel sorry for you situation, it is not nice one to be in :/
Sorry to say but tbh, I do not think you ever 'had her' (as you write you do not want to lose her), and from what you wrote do not seem she would like to be as long term..
No suggestions of mine would be useful ,you should know better what will work on you.

This might sound cruel but if i were you I would let her go, you can stay as friends but by doing so it will hurt you even more seeing her with someone else..maybe you should stay away from her or stay her friend and be happy because she is happy.

You know, things shouldn't be this hard.
Ask her once and for all: do you want to give us a try?
If she says yes, then go for it.
If she says no, then move on. Stop being her friend and everything. Soon enough you will get over her.

Really wish I had solid advice for you, unfortunately all I can offer is a bump and wishes that it works out for you.

burp

I don't know what the fck happened.

I do. Been there, done that. Multiple times. I understand what is going on all too well, seeing as how I used to have "Nice Guy Syndrome," myself. The bad news is that it's your "fault." The good news is that it's tied to a behavior pattern which you have the power and ability to change. You just need to understand how it all works.

I'm not promising you'll get this particular girl back, but I can promise that you will no longer be "friend-zoned." (There is the outside chance that she will notice the "new you" and change her mind, but don't count on it.)

I did not gave up and insisted and finally she started to change her mind a little bit.

OP,

Please describe, in depth, your thought process behind this sentence.

Let her be with her work colleague, but stay close to your friend. If it happened twice, it will happen again...for better or worse.