How you doing, SG?

Wow, tough thread.

I presume you've been open with her about your conditions? Can you explain to her that you know it's unfounded but you can't control these feelings and that you'd feel better if she were able to reassure you?

I don't really have any ideas on what could help, but I just always ended up watching let's plays on youtube rather than playing stuff myself because I just couldn't bring myself to actually play. That usually made me feel at least a bit better.. I guess. As for advice regarding the relationship, I have none at all, sorry.
Anyway.. I hope you will get better soon.. or any time at all.
All of these things are fuckin' horrible and I'm sorry you gotta go through them.

Hi, I remember you-- or at least your avatar (it's rather memorable). I didn't realize we were local (I'm in suburban MD).
Anyway, jealousy/fear/mistrust or whatever you want to call it can be so hard to deal with, and having been through what you're saying here, it can have a particularly strong impact. But at least as an outsider, I can say that there's a pretty big logical leap from "she got defensive to me scrolling back through her messages with her ex" and "she's cheating on me." It doesn't feel great, and it doesn't even necessarily feel safe, but if she's as great as you say, and you're quite certain that she's not being unfaithful, then the challenge is to try to let your brain not focus on that 0.00000001% of doubt. I know what it's like to dwell on that part, and still have to fight it sometimes. But we can't let these things undermine something that is overall so positive.
At least IMO...based on what little info I have. Be well and good luck.

the more that you have, the more you have to lose. unfortunately there's no easy fix but it sounds like you're doing the right things, talking to her about your fears and worries. if you haven't already then it may be an idea to look into what help is available in your area for mental health. personally I've found working with an Occupational Therapist and self-help groups to be a big help for dealing with my depression and anxiety
with depression there's always a part of your brain trying to convince you of every worst case scenario. it's not easy to ignore but you can fight it. remember the good things, especially things that contradict what the voice of depression is telling you

What helped me was going somewhere where I could meet new people. In my case it was improv classes. The other advantage of these classes were inpact they had on my self confidence and my point of view on many things. So I'd suggest you to go somewhere where you can meet new people as well and what would fit your hobby (or you could try something new too cos people feel better when they learn new things) :)

Its tough to give advice here but i will try

She could got defensive cause people like their privacy even if they are married but at the same time people get defensive when they try to hide something , so not much to help here but my mind works that way..
a) You said you are engaged so i guess you live together you must be familiar with her routine and cheating takes effort and time and planning so you can tell if you she her off or not
b) If you are cool to open up to us (considering we are strangers) and talk about your problems i am sure she knows your issues so have you tried talking to her saying what you feel blaming all the suspicion on your anxienty and ask her to help you anyway she wants (dont tell her what to do) since she loves you enough to want to marry you she will probably say some things to help you better than any of us here can help or even show you her phone ,
c) Lets say she is cheating for a moment why on earth she would keep mesages that would expose her if you decide to search her phone while sleeping does she wants to get caught ? i guess not , even tho doing that would probably mean the end of the relationship even if she is cheating or not if you get caught i think we all had our phones searched at some point of our lives , Anyway that means getting defensive could just mean respect my privacy
d) The only thing that i find suspicious is that she let the whole thing happening ,what i mean by that my fiance have no connection or even is facebook friends with any of her ex boyfriends , i also have no connection with any of my ex girlfriends Even tho it can happen friendship after the relationship i never saw it first hand not me or any i know plus the guy abviously wants her back i from your tone i got that the messages are sexual and most people when a relationship is over they want a friend but never the relationship back unless they ended it in a wierd way. Anyway she moved on with you and she is getting wierd messages from a guy she ended things with why she lets it happen why not say in a rude way stop texting me and remove him from any social media If there is a good answer on why is that you may know it i cant guess it

So overall you can ease that your fiance have good chances not to cheat on you and the only thing that puts her undersuspicion is the d reason but i will give you an example from me so you wont flip with that as i said there could be a good reason

Myself i keep old photographs with my ex gfs and gifts they given me but i was open to my fience about it told her i am like that after a while she got jealous and ask me why i do that and i explain her that it may seem i am not over the relationship as most people through everything away but the reason i keep them is defferent in my case when i see hagging my ex at that vocation i dont "sigh" for the ex i just remember that location and that day that for some reason made me smile and i got a pic to remember so its a part of my life i never want to forget but i dont keep the photo for the ex but cause i am in as for things as a person i can attach to things and i cant let go on things i love so i cant through somethign away if i feel like i love it ( i still have my ps1 and its working :P and i never use it) Considering that example nobody could guess why i dont through away pics of ex gfs .

Hope you solve those things between you and her and i hope she is not cheating on you , i guess you chose her to marry for a reason so thing all that and if you decide to talk to her think though what to say and how to say sorry for the long post it was hard to keep it shorter i tried :P

I'd say: talk to her about it. My guess is that she doesn't want you to see the messages because they talk about you, and if that's the case then you really shouldn't read them and shouldn't want to read them, because there's not going to be anything there that makes you feel good, and a conversation where someone is trying to placate a crazy other party can have things that aren't true on the placating side (that is, she won't say what she really thinks, in order to not make the other party even more crazy).

On the other hand, like sephirotha7 said, I think it's legitimate to ask why she wouldn't just stop reading these messages. She might not be cheating, but if the relationship with the ex is bad, I don't think it's healthy for her or for both of you to continue it.

Hi gentlements and ladies
Have a nice day!

Hello! :D I'm sorry that you have depression and anxiety, but I'm glad that you started eating again. :) Look, just trust her. Your depression and anxiety don't want to let you trust her. When 2 people love each other, they're afraid that something may happen that will destroy their relationship, but instead, they're the ones that destroy their own relationship with their fear. Don't let that happen. Don't be the one that destroys the relationship because of your jealousy. With that being said, you can talk to her, but I would advise not to say anything that would imply that she cheated/cheats/will cheat on you. Just talk to her and say that you feel uncomfortable with her ex, BUT that you trust her and that it's just that you love her so much that you're afraid to lose her. The only thing you have to do is talk a bit with her about her ex. Maybe even meet her ex eventually. ;) Maybe you can even become friends with her ex. Keep your friends close and your "enemies" closer. Trust is essential in a relationship, so please, calm down and keep a strong relationship with your girl. :)

I've always played video games to relax and chill out, but I haven't been able to play anything with a plot for the past few months. I currently have civ running, but I'm not even enjoying that

Same here. I kind of got into the whole Steam and SG thing somewhat because I didn't feel well, so I thought maybe some games will help, but rarely ever actually get into playing anything. Just no motivation for it somehow. But in the rare occasion when I feel enthusiastic enough to start up a game, I usually end up playing it for 5-10 hours straight unless motion sickness hits.
Advice to you that have helped me: listen to happy music, play happy games. Try to start a game, maybe you'll end up playing it 5+ hours too, if it's something cool enough.

Tough.. I also suffer from anxiety disorder as well as depressions. But your feelings remind me more of BPD to be honest. I not good at helping people in such situations since I find myself in those quite often as well, but I wish you all the best.