I have random, boring, uninteresting ranting stuff to say

For those of you who know me(so basically no one maybe), despite my intense lurking and occasional cowardice(and overall stupidity/ridiculousness) in commenting over the last few years, you'd know I've been one hell of a whiner in my comments(and one specific drunkenly-made thread of which I cringe at the thought of) but I've seen a lot nice and supportive threads over the years on these forums so I've always come back despite how weird and stupid I always feel thinking strangers on the internet will care at all. I'm not good at talking/typing my thoughts. I'm more or less here to rant a bit.

Over the last couple years I've been feeling sort of terrible about my life as a whole. I don't know why, but it's this feeling I've had for a chunk of my life and it's sort of gotten "worse" in recent years. Maybe it's because I feel like I haven't done enough to consider myself worth caring about, or interesting enough to put any effort into, or maybe I'm just unsure of what I'm doing day-to-day and don't know how to continue my life. What I do know is that I have no idea what to say on my thoughts about my future, my emotions, and my life overall and it's such a weird but also scary feeling to just feel "pointless" all the time. I have stuff to say but it doesn't mean anything to me, and I don't know why I even bother to say it. I more or less have no idea what I'm doing with my life and I feel like I'm walking down a pointless path leading to nowhere but feeling terrible about everything I do. I'm still relatively young, at the age of 21, but I just feel like I've wasted a lot of my life already.

To summarise the last 3 years, I stayed for an extra year in Highschool to try and get into any university at the pressure of my parents and... failed. I got my first job ever at 18, worked for a year, and then quit because I was taking a 1 year pre-health college course to try and get into university... and... failed. The third previous/current year was spent feeling useless, lost, and more or less forced to look for a job while I participated in a youth employment program at a local employment agency while also getting help with education. Just recently, I finally got a job at a local grocery store after just over a year of looking for a job and I'm supposed to have a meeting next week for this "mentor program" for a college course that I may or may not be interested in. I have no idea. So, things are sort of looking up... I think? I still feel empty, terrible, and pointless.

My social life is pretty much non-existent but it's always been non-existent, so I don't know what to think about that beyond, why bother try to "grow up" and try to meet new people?. I'm pretty socially inept, awkward, and have very low self-esteem(I think) but I have no idea how to change it, how to grow as a person, or even how to really "meet" new people. I can't honestly say I've ever really been able to talk to someone and create a relationship of any kind, and I always feel like an outcast in that I don't fit into anywhere. I always just feel alone and weak and it's kind of gotten to the point where it's a normal feeling to me. Education and employment wise, I'm not really going anywhere, and my parent's support goes as far as "as long as you succeed" but I think I'm at the point where I don't even see a reason to try and succeed. I'm terrible at everything I do, in my experience. I have pretty much no friends, no employment aspirations, no educational direction, no emotional attachment to anything, no hobbies or anything I particularly like a lot. I don't really have a great relationship with my family and yet I can't find myself to actually care.

I feel like everything I do is pointless and I feel lonely all the time. In many cases, I feel like I try too hard to force something, such as trying too hard to talk to someone, or enjoy something, or trying to hard to succeed in education, at my job. I don't even know at this point if I actually want to talk to people or if I'm just forcing it because it's something I think I need. Ironically (is it ironic?) I can't force myself to cry and I don't think I've actually cried in years. It's a weird thought. I don't even know if anyone really likes me as a person or likes to talk to me, and I try really hard to be likeable. I think I also beat myself up too much when I fail at something or when I'm just plain bad at something. I haven't even been caught up on playing my wins from this site and I feel terrible about it. It's got such a selfish and greedy feel to it. Do I even deserve anything I have in my life currently? I don't know. I probably don't have anything to really complain about but I just feel terrible all the time and it's a terrible feeling to experience.

Even typing this now I feel really embarrassed, ridiculous, and weird. I feel so melodramatic and pathetic. I feel so stupid. In a week I'll probably forget I made this. Sorry to post this on these forums but I just kind of needed some people to talk to and somewhere to throw down a wall of text containing my extremely disorganised thoughts, regardless of whether not people read it. I have nowhere else to go, truly.

tl;dr I feel useless and terrible in life

Giveaway because I guess I want to contribute to something.