many people are i a need of bodyguards these days especially at parties, but i can see you're more in need of a lifeguard.

Why?

Because the amount of pussy you'll be drowning in is gonna be far too much

So ...

Thanks!

hm...

View attached image.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p2HipedgM3I
this video always make me laugh so hard :P hope this will help u :)

Thank you !
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

NSFW! lol ---"A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry."

Confucio says: "It's only when a mosquito lands on your testicles that you realize there's always a way to solve problems without using violence"

How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, that's a hardware problem.

Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

So last Saturday it was our monthly poker night and the usual crew were there. Me, Jo, Winston and Simon. Unfortunately, Jo's sister, Bea, was in town and had convinced us to let her join in.

We'd all known each other since we were kids, and Bea was one of those kids that was both a bad winner and a bad loser and none of us really liked her all that much. But it had been a few years since we'd seen her and with any luck she'd have matured a bit since then.

The plan was simple, play some cards, have a few drinks, retire to the living room, order in some food (dinner was on the winner, naturally) and watch TV.

So the game began and the drink started flowing, and after an hour or so I had a big pile of chips in front of me and everyone seemed to be having a good time, despite losing their money. Except for Bea, was the only other one left with a decent sized stack.

After a big win she had just under half the chips. I had more, but still, if I lost this one I'd be out next hand. I had an Ace and a four. The flop was all clubs, but it contained the four. Pair with an ace high. She bet high, I followed and called. The turn gave us another four. Three of a kind. Again, we both bet high. Much higher in fact. About a third of my stack was in play now.

Finally, the last card was turned up. Ace of Spades. Full house. I couldn't lose. But, clearly, she thought the same as she went all-in.

The look on her face when I called still haunts me today. It was almost beetroot and scowling. She nearly exploded when she revealed her Flush and I my Full House.

Congratulations were thrown around by the rest of the guys, commiserations and "well played"s handed out to Bea.

We stood to leave the table and Bea clearly 'accidentally' knocks the table, spilling the chips and, more stickily, the beer all over me.

I protest slightly and Jo looks naturally mortified at her sisters behaviour.

"Come on, Bea," Jo said, "maybe we should go"

A slight feeling of pity and a fit of mercy and incredibly poor - and drunken - judgement overcame me and I said "no, stay, I've still to buy you guys dinner anyway"

So I ordered food and we sat down in front of the TV. It was Saturday night, and our gambling session hadn't quite ended as a few of us had put on Lottery Tickets.

While we waited for food, we decided to watch the draw. I was sat on the couch, sandwiched between Bea and Winston. Excitement built up as two of my numbers came out at once, followed by a tense few seconds as the next two missed. Finally a third came out, I'd won a tenner. I felt Bea, beside me, start to get restless again. The second my fourth number, and my £100 win, came out, the ticket left my hand and was swiftly torn up by the enraged Bea. She burst into tears and ran out the door, knocking the incoming delivery guy over onto his arse, sending our food flying into the night.

It just goes to show you, that when the chips are down, and you think your number's up: Don't Stop Bea Leaving.

thanks

What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night?
He keeps wondering whether or not there is a dog. ^^

Thank you for the chance btw ^^

Vovachka is riding the taxi with his parents and starts asking questions:
Vovachka: "Mom, Mom, Mom."
Mom: "What?"
Vovachka: "If you were a giraffe and is dad, what would I be?
Mom: "Well, perhaps a small giraffe."
Vovachka: "Dad, Dad, Dad."
Dad: "What?"
Vovachka: "If you and mom were hippopotamuses, what would I be?"
Dad: "Probably a little hippo."
Taxi driver looks at Vovachka and says: "And what if your mom were a bitch, and your father were a gay, what would you become then?"
Vovachka scratches head and retorts: "Probably a taxi driver."

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

I don't know many jokes that could be put here without me getting a lifetime ban...

Have this gallery instead.

And now...

View attached image.

Thanks

"a joke" badum tish

This is either hilarious or just boring, depending on where you are in life:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kzNIYnxinDU

I laughed till I cried, but that's just me.

Thanks!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing. Then our son cam back home and we asked him to help but even his young and muscular hands couldn't do it"
The doctor was shocked!
"You asked your neighbor AND YOUR SON?!"
The old man replied,
"Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

Badum tsss...

And also this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4Y4keqTV6w
It starts being funny at 1:30 so just wait for it - it is worth it ;)

And that:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSFWgKl-O-A

I would tell a joke, but don't want you to end up like them:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ienp4J3pW7U

I kept laughing for a week with this one. Cheer up!
http://9gag.com/gag/aqZ3MNj