One of the stories I like most is "Cookies" from Douglas Adams (I love the other stories from him as well):

“This actually did happen to a real person, and the real person was me. I had gone to catch a train. This was April 1976, in Cambridge and I was a bit early for the train. I went to get myself a newspaper to do the crossword, and a cup of coffee and a packet of cookies. I went and sat at a table. I want you to picture the scene. It's very important that you get this very clear in your mind. Here's the table, newspaper, cup of coffee, packet of cookies. There's a guy sitting opposite me, perfectly ordinary-looking guy wearing a business suit, carrying a briefcase. It didn't look like he was going to do anything weird. What he did was this: he suddenly leaned across, picked up the packet of cookies, tore it open, took one out, and ate it.

Now this, I have to say, is the sort of thing the British are very bad at dealing with. There's nothing in our background, upbringing, or education that teaches you how to deal with someone who in broad daylight has just stolen your cookies. You know what would happen if this had been South Central Los Angeles. There would have very quickly been gunfire, helicopters coming in, CNN, you know. . . But in the end, I did what any red-blooded Englishman would do: I ignored it. And I stared at the newspaper, took a sip of coffee, tried to do a clue in the newspaper, couldn't do anything, and thought, what am I going to do?

In the end I thought, nothing for it, I'll just have to go for it, and I tried very hard not to notice the fact that the packet was already mysteriously opened. I took out a cookie for myself. I thought, that settled him. But it hadn't because a moment or two later he did it again. He took another cookie. Having not mentioned it the first time, it was somehow even harder to raise the subject the second time around. "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice . . ." I mean, it doesn't really work. We went through the whole packet like this. When I say the whole packet, I mean there were only about eight cookies, but it felt like a lifetime. He took one, I took one, he took one, I took one. Finally, when we got to the end, he stood up and walked away.

Well, we exchanged meaningful looks, then he walked away, and I breathed a sigh of relief and sat back. A moment or two later the train was coming in, so I tossed back the rest of my coffee, stood up, picked up the newspaper, and underneath the newspaper were my cookies. The thing I like particularly about this story is the sensation that somewhere in England there has been wandering around for the last quarter-century a perfectly ordinary guy who's had the same exact story, only he doesn't have the punch line.”

thx

I sometimes write parts of ideas for stories that I have, though I don't actually care to finish most of them because the overall plots don't end up very interesting. One of these was where a kid's dog died and a painfully upbeat veterinarian tries to cheer her up.

"Look kid, I'm sorry about what happened to your dog, but if it makes you feel better, you can take home another dog we found 13 days ago in an old ruined house with a bunch of weird drawings on the walls. I'm not sure about his vaccinations because the old owner died recently under mysterious circumstances, but overlooking that, and the fact that he has three heads, he's a happy, healthy pooch. I should warn you, he's quite the yapper, the middle head bites, and he costs three times as much to feed as a regular dog. However, if you can get past all that, you'll have a loyal companion for life, and possibly afterlife."

If it's a actual joke and not a sketch-thing that you're looking for, here's a one-liner that I either came up with or saw, forgot that I saw, and mistakenly think I came up with.

"Lack of communication is the number-one professional and romantic relationship killer. For something so important, it's weird how no one ever talks about it."

I hate magicians. All that power over time and space, and all they use it for is making me look foolish at parties.

Thanks for the giveaway!

Been watching lot's of Kitchen Nightmare videos on youtube recently.

View attached image.

Thanks~XD

thx

my dog have the game and I need 1 copy to play together, thank you.
Houndmaster

thx!!! :3

I dont have jokes, but I do have plenty of bad puns!!!!
(I love bad puns)
I got drunk yesterday and ate some scrabble ties because it seemed fun. Now that I'm sober, I fear my next poop could spell disaster.
I owe a lot to the sidewalks. They’ve been keeping me off the streets for years.
Atoms are untrustworthy little critters. They make up everything!
I hate my printer. Whenever I need to print, all I get is upbeat music coming out of it and a message that the paper is jamming.
Why was Cinderella kicked off the soccer team? She always ran away from the ball.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I guess thats enough for now.
;)

Thanks!

Thanks

Thanks

I was waterskiing when I fell into the river. As the boat 
circled to pick me up, I noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds. I put my hands in the air and joked, “Don’t shoot!”

The hunter responded, “Don’t quack.”

A woman was cheated on by her husband. Devastated, she didn't know how to continue living her life. She heard that there was a very wise old monk who lived up in a mountain and decided to go there to consult him. After a few days of traveling, walking and climbing, she finally reached the top and met the wise monk. "I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to supporting him, taking care of him. And now he has left me for a younger women. My life was stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I don't know what to do."
The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks, "Was the cookie delicious?"
"Yes."
"Do you want another one?"
"Sure, please."
The monk looks her in the eyes and says, "Do you see the problem now?"
The woman thinks for a while and then slowly speaks, "I guess human nature is greedy. You get one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. And nothing lasts forever, everything is impermanent. We should be aware and not disappointed by that."
The monk shook his head "No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less."