JavaScript is too hard. I'm giving it up. Cats are better!

HAI
BTW IM SRY 4 MAH EVIL JAVASCRIPT PUZZLE. I HOPE U LIEK KATS.
BTW IT TOTALLY SUXXORS DAT TEH WITE SPACE DISAPPEARS

I HAS A UPP ITZ "QWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNM"
I HAS A LOW ITZ "qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm"
I HAS A RAND ITZ "16F4E3UPVQR9TMCBL7YKIHD80SNX5J2GWAOZ"

HOW DUZ I UPPER CHAR
I HAS A I ITZ 0
IM IN YR LOOP UPPIN YR I TIL BOTH SAEM I AN LEN OF UPP
BOTH SAEM LOW!I AN CHAR, O RLY?
YA RLY
FOUND YR UPP!I
OIC
IM OUTTA YR LOOP
FOUND YR CHAR
IF U SAY SO

HOW DUZ I GIVEAWAY NAME
I HAS A I ITZ 0
I HAS A J ITZ 0
I HAS A GA ITZ ""
BOTH SAEM LEN OF NAME AN 10, O RLY?
YA RLY
IM IN YR LOOP UPPIN YR I TIL BOTH SAEM I AN 5
IM IN YR LOOP UPPIN YR J TIL BOTH SAEM J AN LEN OF UPP
BOTH SAEM NAME!I AN UPP!J, O RLY?
YA RLY
GA R SMOOSH GA AN RAND!J MKAY
GTFO
OIC
IM OUTTA YR LOOP
J R 0
IM OUTTA YR LOOP
NO WAI
GA R "NOOB U SUXXORS"
OIC
FOUND YR GA
IF U SAY SO

HOW DUZ I ISLOWER CHAR
I HAS A I ITZ 0
IM IN YR LOOP UPPIN YR I TIL BOTH SAEM I AN LEN OF UPP
BOTH SAEM LOW!I AN CHAR, O RLY?
YA RLY
FOUND YR WIN
OIC
IM OUTTA YR LOOP
FOUND YR FAIL
IF U SAY SO

I HAS A NAEM
VISIBLE "PEEPS GIV AWAY GAMEZ HER"
GIMMEH NAEM
I HAS A UPPERNAME ITZ ""
I HAS A I ITZ 0
I HAS A SPACE ITZ WIN
IM IN YR LOOP UPPIN YR I TIL BOTH SAEM I AN LEN OF NAEM
I HAS A CHAR ITZ NAEM!I
ISLOWER CHAR, O RLY?
YA RLY
SPACE, O RLY?
YA RLY
CHAR R UPPER CHAR
OIC
OIC
UPPERNAME R SMOOSH UPPERNAME CHAR

IM OUTTA YR LOOP
VISIBLE GIVEAWAY UPPERNAME

KTHXBYE