Firstly, having a girl that knows a thing or two isn't necessarily a bad thing. Also I guarantee you there are things you can discover together.
Try not to think about it too much, and just enjoy being in a relationship. If it's still niggling away at you after a while, perhaps try talking to your partner about it.
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Yeah I keep telling myself it's about the things that we do together and the new places we bring each other but it's more of like having a douchebag in the back of your head saying it matters and no matter how much you tell the douche to leave he doesn't. That's where I'm at with it. I don't want it there but it won't go away. But yeah if it continues I might just talk to her about it. Idk I just feel like I'm being so stupid about it but I can't get it away. Thanks for the help though :)
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Well you pretty much hit the nail on the head. I kinda just feel like I gave myself to her and I didn't get her back in return. "being a human" pretty much just sucks. I wish that the brain could be controlled better but unfortunately it runs rampant. But yeah I just need to find a way to get around it, because I know that she cares about me as much as I care for her, and that is what truly matters.
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Yeah I'm just scared that bringing it up will put a wedge in between us that might hurt us as a couple and I don't want that to happen. Basically my brain is screwing me over. I might just end up talking to her though, I'm just scared. Thank you though :)
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it wont put a wedge since if she really loves you she will try to help you with making you forget this thoughts if it really bothers you i'v been through this.. So if you tell her and she really love you and want you to feel good and comfortable with her she'll try to make you forget this by doing anything to make you not think of this. And also why you have to think about the past when you'll have better future with her than she with her ex ? now you can do what her ex did to her think from this point
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You took the first step already. You know you're being stupid and that it doesn't matter. I really have no idea why it bothers you, but try to think that she has some experience that she can put to use with you. Sex is just one part of the relationship and it's not like she cheated on you or anything, since it was before. Love is what truly matters. :) So, if that exists in your relationship, you're all set!
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Yeah I can't pinpoint why it eats at me so much. The love is there on both ends and I know I'm being an idiot for saying that it matters but for some reason my brain doesn't want to agree that it doesn't matter. But thank you, just getting my frustration out and making this post already made me feel better about it. I appreciate the advice :)
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You can't change her past! But you can change her future.
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To what ffrreeaakk1 said, I'll add this:
Everything that has happened to you in the past, and all of the choices you have made, have led you up to this point. If things had happened differently, you would not be where you are today. In the end, however, the person you are today is a matter of choice. Value your past because it has made you who you are, but focus on the present and being the person you want to be right now.
(The above applies to her as well.)
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Turn the tables. If, when coming into this relationship, she was a virgin, and you weren't - you'd think nothing of it, or even be proud of it. If that's the case, you have no right to hold it against her. If it bothers you so much that you can't stop thinking about it, you clearly have no business wasting her time, because you will hurt her because of it, sooner or later. Go find yourself a virgin. Will it bother you then that you're not a virgin anymore? Will it bother your next girlfriend?
It's the 21st century. Get over it.
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I actually do appreciate the straight forwardness of this. I don't hold anything against her. I love her and I know that is all that really matters. I don't need to have a virgin to be happy because she already makes me happier than I've ever been. I mainly just want my brain to stop caring so I can stop thinking about it.
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Oh but you do. You are trying to think rationally, that's good. But the fact that "your brain cares" means that deep down this bothers you.
Maybe because you are too romantic, you pictured being in a relationship were you are each other's first partners. Or maybe, as someone upthread said, you want to be the "only owner". Maybe the thought of being the second one disgusts you. If you want to get past that, think about it hard, realize what's the reason for your discomfort about all this (because there's a reason, no matter how stupid it seems), and then reason that away, if you can. Try to mentally turn tables, as I said in my first post, maybe that will help you realize there's nothing to do now besides getting past that or splitting up.
If it won't stop bothering you, I don't see this relationship lasting or you being happy in it.
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Yeah deep down it probably does bother me. But I just want to somehow make myself understand that it really shouldn't matter since we love each other. I just think it'll take some time. And all of the responses have been really helpful so far so it makes me positive. I think just a combination of the house I grew up in and the area I lived my life in is making me over think the whole thing. I do appreciate the help you and the others have given me :)
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Bro an advice to you. Don't think. When you think everything goes downhill. Just live "the moment". Experience talks...
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You shouldn't care because as you get older, wiser, and more experienced with life as a whole, you will come to realize that that sort of thing is silly and doesn't really matter. You may not be able to see it that way right now, but you will.
At times there can be a misleading level of importance placed upon topics/ideas such as virginity, loss thereof, and sexual experience, but what you should remember is that it is often times unrealistic. The best advice I can give you is to focus on the here and now, enjoy the moment and don't dwell on the past . Afterall, you've got the girl, so it must mean you are doing something right :)
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Oh trust me I know that it really doesn't matter in the grand scope of things. It was probably just the way I was raised and the area I was raised in that made my brain preset to caring about this. But I know it doesn't matter. And just thinking about the good times me and her have spent puts a smile on my face so yeah, I'll get over it, I just want my brain to accept it sooner rather than later. Thanks :)
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LOL i thought you said "amazon" girl and i thought this was a joke thread the whole time i was reading. as for advice...i got nothing you seem to know what you should believe except ur having a hard time believing it yourself. guess all i can say is....hope you feel better?
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I can't say I've been in the same situation, but here's my two cents anyway, hopefully they'll be of help. Maybe it would help you to think of virginity as one of many firsts rather than a defining one. Sure, she had some of her first things with someone else, but especially if you two stick it out longterm you can be the one she experiences many other things with the first time, whether it be sexual or otherwise. Even virginity is a bit of a fluid concept, a person can still have been fooling around and been pretty sexually active and still technically be a virgin, for example, so it doesn't necessarily have to be a major turning point, though I can understand why it often is. Still, there are many more milestones you two can reach together and make memorable. Plus, on the practical side, it can be rather awkward and even silly if you're both first timers and not quite sure how things could work out the best, so in that sense you could even consider yourself lucky, you didn't miss that much ;) Also, there is probably a very good reason why she is with you now and not the people she has been with before. Insecurities or troubled feelings are normal, even over seemingly little things, but if they bother you there usually is a reason, and it often helps to go to the bottom of it and let it out (though, of course, in a reasonable manner).
Goodness, that turned into a bit of a wall of text. Anyways, good luck with your relationship :)
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I'm guilty of text walls sometimes too but it's all good haha. But yeah I'm at the stage where I really know that it doesn't matter but I just need to quite honestly grow up about it. Maybe I'm just holding onto the childhood fantasy haha. But we love each other and as long as that is there we will be fine. Thanks :)
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chill out bro. more you care and more you go serious about this (i'm not talking about virginity stuff. talking about the relationship) more you'll lose. just have fun and don't think something like "i can see myself with her in a long term relationship and possibly even more serious then that". and never forget she is not yours since she is not an object. i'm not trying to be an asshole or anything. just sharing my personal experience. you keep it cool, you win. otherwise, welcome to the club.
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Yeah i feel like I'm digging myself further and further into a rut the more I think about it. But for the most part just this thread in general and all the great community have made me feel better about it. It's one thing for me to say it isn't important but having others give me advice at least gives validity to the fact that I do need to just enjoy her for how I've known her and not about what she has done before. And the more abrasive comments do give me a more real opinion on it. Thanks for the advice :)
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Because patriarchy tells us that having sex fundamentally changes who we are, and that our worth should be measured based on how much of it we've had (girls "should" have little sex, dudes a lot). It also tells us that women who've had previous partners are somehow impure and ruined.
Honestly, there's no easy way of unlearning this as this is how most of us were conditioned to see the world from an early age. It's good that you see that this is irrational and potentially detrimental to your relationship, just try to keep that in mind going forth.
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I'm fairly sure that my upbringing did in fact have an impact on me being bothered by this. But at the end of the day I need to grow up a little bit. I'm just glad that the SG community is supportive because before posting this I simply kept it to myself. Feels good to get some reassurance that I am just being stupid about it. And the more posts I read the more I realize that I love this girl and that is all that matters. Thanks for the advice :)
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I didn't necessarily mean your personal upbringing (although that may be a factor) :) These notions permeate everyday society in the nastiest ways, and none of us are free from them 100%. It's not your fault or any one individual's fault that you internalized this bs.
Every time you find that this thought occurs to you again, try not to wave it away but examine where it comes from and realize that it really has no bearing on who she is as a person or as your girlfriend. I hope you can get past this as soon as possible! :)
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Yeah getting past my own personal barriers as quickly as possible is the goal. Just getting my issue out and the great response from the SG community has made me feel better already. All I have to do is break the mental barrier in my mind and change my perspective on the situation. And yeah my personal upbringing definitely had an effect but it is up to me to get through this in my mind. Thanks for the advice, I appreciate it :)
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I agree with all the comments above but I'd like to add something. Maybe what could also be bothering you is that you've never slept with another person, and if this relationship is getting really serious, you'll have known only one girl in your whole life. This may make you think that you've not really taken advantage of your youth and maybe you are afraid to regret this later.
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Hmmm, you are the first person to make me think about it like that. Idk at the back of my head maybe I do feel like I might regret not experiencing some things in life. But at the same time when I say to myself "If you could never have anyone but her for the rest of your life would you be okay with that?" and if our relationship keeps going the way it has been going then I can easily answer that yes, I would be fine only being with her. But I guess it is a little daunting thinking about never being with anyone else when she has already experienced it. Idk a lot to wrap my head around. But I'm glad you brought a new perspective into it, because I want to look at this from every angle so that I can just move past it and have a healthy relationship with her, because I do love her. Thanks for the advice :)
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I'll add something to what you said myself.
I've seen many people that think like that, and it may be true even. However, another thing is also true. It might take you a lifetime (and maybe even that's not enough) to know somebody else completely, and experience "everything" with only this person.
You might not get to experience many things that won't be possible with this one person, but yet, you'll be able to experience things in depth with this one person.
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Thinking about all the things that me and her have already shared that no one else shared with her has already made me feel optimistic. I think as we share more moments together my mind will ease itself. I'm just nudging my mind in the right direction right now :) And thanks for your help coezo I really do appreciate it man :)
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It's a cliche, but it's true, relationship is about takeing risks.
You really shouldn't be bothered about her not being a virgin, especially coz not too much people are above 18, and since you are 19 you can't just sleep with an underage.
Also the main reason for people's unhappiness is that they care too much about what other people think, and being "judged" or whatever. You will never be able to please everyone, so focus on pleasing the people you care about.
As you will get older, you will not sexually encounter any virgins, and as time passes some of your dating options will involve woman with kids.
You have to make a decision, but keep in mid: don't care about what others would think about you, as long as what you do is right. Only care about the people who are dear to you, and you love them.
As for loosing your virginity to someone more experienced. There is nothing wrong with it. You should (and won't) feel awkward about sexuality in a serious relation ship, also sex does bring things to a new level.
Go for it, no reason to back down if you care about her, and love her! Have fun! :D
Also your outlook on the world will change very-very much between 18 and early 20s, so don't ever be afraid from new experiences, thos are the things that make you a more open, better, wiser, and happier person.
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Yeah I'm already enjoying every second of being with her and as the relationship has progressed I've only ever felt love for her. And I have no regrets loosing my virginity to her at all. We love each other and that's all that matters. I just need to get over my own personal mind block on the subject. But I'm getting better and better with it everyday and at the end of everyday I only feel love for her. Basically I know I'm being stupid about it mattering but with some time and because of the help from everyone here I already have been feeling better. But I'm definitely enjoying every minute of being with her so it doesn't really matter about virginity. And I hope that we get a lot more time to enjoy each other. Thank you for the advice :) I appreciate it
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Forget everything else, if this doesn't put your mind at ease then i don't think anything else will :
Imagine you in her shoes, imagine you've been with several women before and then imagine she is a virgin, Does that mean she shouldn't be able to trust you? or love it? Would you want it to bother her? Obviously no.
Not saying everything will be fine, Bad shit happens, The important thing is how you handle it.
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Yeah basically this was my venting source to just help me over a slump I've been in. I'm feeling a lot better and as a previous poster said "You can't change her past! But you can change her future." That put things into the broader picture even though it's such a short and even possible vague statement. But hey I had this on my chest and with the help of everyone I feel much better about it. So I'll continue to be happy with my relationship and I definitely won't have this bothering me as much if even at all anymore.
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If you truly love her then you will learn to accept it. Don't let things like that get in the way of love. You love her because she is her.
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Yeah and I'm just venting basically. I won't stop loving her at all because of her past. It is more just me needing to mature a little bit and see the broader picture, which is that she makes me happy and I make her happy so nothing wrong with it :). Thanks
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Well I'll always care, but the conflict I have is with letting it bother me and letting it have a negative effect on our relationship. I love her and will continue to love her despite the past. Because I love her for the person she is now :). thanks :)
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you shouldnt care, the fact is girls usually mature faster then guys, so its not uncommon for a male to find a female who isnt a virgin, my first girlfriend was several years older then me, and she had been with others, but that was okay with me, you cant think about what happened in the past, because the fact is it doesnt really matter how many people she has been with in the past, shes with yoou now so she obviously choose you over them
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I feel like I lose sight of the big picture sometimes. But I do love her with all my heart and I enjoy every moment I'm with her so that's all we need as a couple to be happy. It's just my own stupid brain that is making it harder than it needs to be. Because my heart already knows what it wants. Thanks for the advice :)
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not a problem, hope it helped ya feel better, if you ever wanna talk feel free to add me on steam
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Learn to respect her past as its shaped her into the woman you love today. :)
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I agree with Lime... Any small deviation from her past, and everything could have changed, and she would have never met you - or fell in love you with when she did.
Also, I think rational thinking about this stuff really comes with age (sometimes haha). You are still young. Believe me, when you are 27 you will have experiences and a past that you may or may not regret...and you wont want your wife to hold them against you.
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Yeah I don't know where I would be if I hadn't met her. So even just the day since I've posted this I've been feeling a lot better. I appreciate the help and feel free to ask for the second giveaway link if you want. and thanks again for the help :)
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Hmm this is a tough thing to deal with, but you gotta face this: are you more in love with her as her person herself, or in love with "the idea of" some random girl who's a virgin? What's more important to you, do you think she's been tainted or something? Because that's not a respectable thought to have about people in general, in my honest opinion. Just let go :D
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dude its not her fault u being late to the sex party. It's very normal for girls to have sex at a younger age than the boys. Get over it, be happy with her. If you really want a virgin at this age, you probably have to find a muslima or mormon girl or something. Dunno if you would really be wanting that..
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Another bump for giveaways. This is also the last call for the second private giveaway that is only for people who helped me out. I WILL NOT be intentionally bumping this thread anymore so if you want to be in the second giveaway and you helped me out then please let me know as soon as possible if you want to enter :)
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Thank you to everyone who gave me advice. I took my sob story off because I already got a ton of great advice and feedback. I'm simply bumping this thread for the giveaway at this point.
If you are one of the people who gave me advice and you would like to enter a private giveaway for ORION: Dino Horde let me know. If I can get just a couple of the people who gave me advice into the giveaway then I will be happy :). So don't be afraid to let me know you want to be entered!!!! Like seriously this great community helped me out so let me return the favor.
^^^but only people who left me advice can enter :3
arena wars 2
^^^this giveaway is open to anyone who passes through my thread. So feel free to enter. I will give the second giveaway link upon request to those who helped me out :)
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