Your horoscope for today

• Aries

  The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon.
  Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep.

• Taurus

  You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?
  The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep.

• Gemini

  Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence.
  Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest.

• Cancer

  The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud.
  Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test.

• Leo

  Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no.
  Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik.

• Virgo

  All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you.
  Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick.

• Libra

  A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented that you.
  Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week.

• Scorpio

  Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window.
  Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak.

• Sagittarius

  All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them).
  Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den.

• Capricorn

  The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they're lying.
  If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again.

• Aquarius

  There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus.
  Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day.

• Pisces

  Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus.
  You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say.

Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.

Just to be clear: this is not a creation of mine but a song by Weird Al Yankovic.