Lister: Sometimes I think it's cruel giving machines a personality. My mate Petersen once brought a pair of shoes with artificial intelligence. Smart Shoes, they were called. It was a neat idea. No matter how blind drunk you were, they would always get you home. Then he got ratted one night in Oslo, and woke up the next morning in Burma. See, the shoes got bored just going from his local to the flat. They wanted to see the world, man, y'know? He had a helluva job getting rid of them. No matter who he sold them to, they'd show up again the next day! He tried to shut them out, but they just kicked the door down, y'know?

Rimmer: Is this true?

Lister: Yeah! Last thing he heard, they'd sort of, erm, robbed a car and drove it into a canal. They couldn't steer, y'see.

Rimmer: Really?!

Lister: Yeah. Petersen was really, really blown away by it. He went to see a priest. The priest told him, he said, it was alright, and all that, and the shoes were happy, and they'd gone to heaven. Y'see, it turns out shoes have soles.

• Red Dwarf, Ep: Queeg.

Hilarious to hear it spoken aloud, but I'll be damned if I can find an actual video clip of it anywhere. May end up making one myself, if ever bothered to read up on HOW; never been one for video editing.

This is about as close as I can get, Random Youtube Upload starts at 10min 35. Crappy small upload, but most of the other videos are out of sync or have "squeaky" audio. But it is mainly for showing off the quotation above.