I once heard my refrigerator talking to me. Every time I opened it, it would say, well, I can't quite express it in writing, but it was kind of this rattling sound; it was like a bunch of bottles or something. But I knew what it was saying. It was saying, "I am parched."

So one day I dragged inside this water hose from my yard, opened the fridge, and hydro pumped water into that thing for a solid twenty minutes. And it was super effective.

Now it's making even stranger noises, but this time I'm pretty sure it's telling me it needs a nose job. I told it I don't have the money for that, and so that's basically where we stand at the moment on things.