Oof, been a while since i've done a public giveaway and talked about stuff, but i feel like i need to vent a bit and just feel like it. Many 'older' users/people from my whitelist might remember my struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts, it's been haunting me for years and i haven't done anything about it till it was too late. I've always had issues fitting in and with relationships. Tho i was doing quite alright, been in my first relationship since 2020, had a job at big4 company that i got while still studying Information Technology, which was also going well. Overall a really good life, you could say i had literally everything one could dream of. But it all came crashing down last year when my mental state was probably the worst ever. I've gained a lot of weight due to covid and the lockdown (probably like 40+kg), went from being extra skinny to just fat, my gf broke up with me a week before my final exam on studies, which shattered me. After that as you can guess, i failed the exam i couldn't fail, cause of that i had to give up on studies and start again from 3rd year. Only thing that kept me going was my dog and my job, but that went to shit by the end of last year, where the company we were contracted by fired all developers. I was always getting praises there and the team of people i had was amazing. After that i was moved to bench and then to a new project. But that didn't go well, i couldn't find common ground with my new menager and the company wasn't doing well, which eventually led to us parting ways at the end of February. As you can guess that was another crashing news, but honestly it wasn't actually that bad which i can see now from retrospective. It allowed me to focus on studies, since a new semester was just starting and only after i realised how much mentally straining the work was for me. Then in begining of March i met a girl that had a lot of issues on her own, i kinda devoted next months just to trying to help her and by doing so i fell in love with her, which came back to bite me in the ass a lot. She had lots of problems with alcohol, drugs, work, debts, abusive ex, studies and else. I thought i could 'fix her', help her out, she was saying that i was the best that happened to her this year, that i was important and other stuff. We got really close, i was proud of the progress she was making, but it all turned out to be a lie. She was literally lying about everything, that she stopped drinking, stopped taking drugs, that the only debt she had was to me and other stuff. Even tho we technically weren't together offically, we were acting as if we were, she was even with me at my grandma's party where she was saying things like 'i wanna present [me] to her parents, how important and great i am' just to sleep with another guy next day xd After confronting her, she played the victim card, that i imagined all the shit between us (even tho we were literally spending day after day together, sleeping with each other, going to cinema, went on a trip together), that she doesnt feel anything. That was supposed to be the end, but later i learnt that she was still in contact with her abusive ex, which was literally a drug dealer and beat her multiple of times. I decided to contact her family and tell them all the truth fully knowing that she will hate me and spread lies, but with such issues i simply didn't see her succeeding in new studies (which she started this year) and even tho she did all that stuff to me, i just couldn't walk away knowing all this. To her it was all a revenge for chosing another guy, but honestly that played no part, it was the alcohol/drugs addiction, debts which she was literally being chased for (not counting the money i lent her), lying to everyone about everything. And i had all the receipts for that. I fully know that i will probably never get my money back, which was a lot, but that's my fault for beliving her and not checking on what she was spending the money. She still tries to contact me from time to time, but i blocked her pretty much everywhere and i stand by that it was the right thing to do, even tho she blames me for destroying her family. It wasn't me, it was her actions and lies, i always believed in her, believed her words and hoped for the best for her. I might be the worst in her eyes, but so be it, hopefully one day she will realise her mistakes.

Ofc all the things above are a long story short and if i were to go into details, you guys would read a whole novel, but that's how life is 😆

Coming to last two months, after all the shit went down between me and her i finally went to a psychologist and psychiatrist, got meds and started therapy. As for meds, i got escitalopram, which made me feel better, but i still need to take it for a few months. When it comes to therapy, i've been tackling a lot of problems, but i've gotten a diagnosis, which is autism spectrum disorder (ASD). This honestly explains a lot of things, the way i think and feel. I've been masking quite well using patterns and inteligence, which is why i was only diagnosed now as a 25 year old, but the patterns i've created to overcome stressful situations are not always the way to go. So i've been trying to learn more about the disorder as well as how to properly behave in certain situations and not get mainpulated. If you guys know any good articles, feel free to send them my way, would appreciate it 💙

This is also why i've been on and off in past months, letting people here down, i'm really sorry about that and i promise to do better. Over the years i've met here some of the best people, i did read all the messages you guys were sending, might have not replied to them all, cause it was overwhelming, but they meant a lot to me.

Right now things are definitely looking better, i'm on my last semester of studies (again XD), lost a lot of weight and tbf i look best since ages, started going on walks with my doggo and i'm still doing fun events in the Faculty Students' Council :D Overall my mental is a lot better, taking things slow, enjoying gaming again and slowly regaining my life back. We will see how it goes. Also started looking for a new job in IT, since i have 2.5 years in a good firm, it shouldn't be that bad to find a new one with my experience.

Last thing, mandatory doggo pick from today, i've started daily walks which i wanna document every day for myself and friends :D

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