Today did not make me angry, just pissed

Thank you, appreciated.

Thank you, i do really appreciate it but one is already in order (with the everlasting grace and love of my mom) and it's a phone that seems futureproof (like 5g), but also i should be able to just put it on my pc case and it would charge and i am guessing since my motorola g7 power was from 2019 that this one will have a (much) better camera and i am seriously thinking about looking into picking up photography as a hobby.

How and why did you get 4 and are they new or refurbed? Aren't many things like apps limited since it's so old and not seemingly get updates anymore, for a long time?

It's very frustrating indeed also because there are no alternatives, if you are not satisfied with a general doctor we can pick from several, with this, it's either swallowing it all or not.

Okay i am considering and only have hypnosis left, but it's not covered by healthcare as it's alternative, but you also have to be open to it, and with my stubborn streak i don't know if i am open enough, i am open to trying it, but with 250-375 euro, that's expensive for just trying.

Alcohol only gives you ease of mind for a little while but it always hit you back afterwards yes, but i also got diabetes/heart thing and not perfect liver values (getting a liver mri in augustus near my birthday) so for that alone i already shouldn't drink.

After today it can only can get better (i hope) :p Thank you, appreciated.

Thank you, yeah i wish i could just hop back into bed for some more snoozing, but when i am awake, i am awake.
Just having to nod to myself, 1 more day, 1 more day.

It's not the whole glass that broke i think it can hold on it's own, it seems useable, although 1 point it only opened up google each time while tapping other stuff.

Many people perhaps are okay with stuff like this (i am sure many kids that drop them all the time) but i feel like i am reminded constantly of my own stupidity and bad luck each time i would look at that broken phone, it wouldn't been the first thing i broken since i moved.

Sometimes i really don't even refuse to believe that i might have some curse or this ground is, i also had unexplained burning scratch marks on my right arm about 3 times (and my nails weren't sharp and i tried to scratch myself, i couldn't recreate it).

True that i got a new one since december and he doesn't like my prescription at all what the previous one prescribed and had no problems with.
But we currently have 1500 medicine that are often out of order, like inhalers for children with asthma or medicine for heartpatients, and the most working med for me was temazepam, and i am already without temazepam since march, he hates benzo's and records clearly show i have been many times without and cut off cold turkey (also dangerous for the average person) even for 7 months to me there is no addiction side whatsoever, even with liquor, i can say no.
Does it leave me with a lot of stress and is that helpful towards a healthy mind and body? Not exactly.

But i heared a good story from someone with depression about seraltine, and how it made that persons day 1000x better, i am like let me try that then (or let him come with any suggestions himself but he never once did in 6 months beside complaining about the benzo's).

I am strong willed, but other weaker people they would and could have driven over the edge, very over the edge, or try to find refuge in alcohol or other substances, i find this a very dangerous situation they put me (and i am guessing others too) in.

And i know benzo's were a thing in the 90's (my mom is an user) and people started to abuse it, why they are so much stricter about it now.

May i ask what you went for? And did your problems just go away by itself or you sought other alternatives?

Thank you.

But what if your shrink is the problem and you got no alternative? In some countries you have to pay your own, but here you can get one covered but you have to deal with what you get. I am on my third now (and not because of me but they all quit working at that place, after a year) and he is very different and harsh, no empathy unlike the other.

Yeah very much, especially under youth, like they did a docu on tv and a kid was prescribed the same non working treatment which made her a little frustrated and the shrink just walked away and was like i am not helping you anymore.
But i also hear stories about abuse, and they are told often that they are just a kid and they just have "to listen" to the adult.

I am on my third shrink now because they quit at that place every year, while they already only work 2 days a week there and often things just go wrong with your prescriptions where you have to call the pharmacy, them etc, normally i had a prescription monthly, but for some reason that went to weekly creating a problem each week, and stress, while stress is my main issue right now, in which i sometimes "joke" saying they make me even more crazier then helping.

Well i guess i am lucky that i can easily say no to it rather then an iron will, before i moved out i was already 1 year sober (and another year before that) but i was hit by a wall of loneliness last may and i did go back to drinking, but when you got mental issues it's so easy to say oh one more and another, and before you know it you sink into drinking too much and that's what happened and i still don't know why and what happened but i basically slept through the weekend, so going through something really bad first can help.
And giving something positive to remember my cat bowy by that i had to let her go i also made her a promise to quit drinking, i am still sober since november now.

On the other hand not drinking and giving me so much stress is also not really good for ones body and mind, it's conflicting, i don't know about alternatives, and i know where to get online meds (bit on the grey side, more expensive while i am not made out of money) but even they are out of temazepam which is a thing since january here, and over 1500 meds they got a shortage of.

May i ask what your mental issues are, you dealing with?

Thank you, I had rough days, i would call yesterday hell..

With hypnosis you have to be open to it, you have to want to change things, if not then it will not work for you, i had an introduction talk with someone doing hypnosis (which was free) and he also honestly said that and suggest 2-3 sessions first, so they are honest.
And if you say insisted then it might feel like you weren't really open to it maybe in the first place?

Talking with someone about my issues, well maybe to some chagrin of others even here, while i thank the others that are supporting here, even in real life and i realized that i can talk till i am blue in the face but it doesn't resolve certain issues,
If your first help line like a shrink is just dropping you like a brick, with no further prescriptions then yeah one is screwed and helpless.

A previous shrink also suggested possible autism but i disagree, and the few people around me also don't agree with that, the original issue is certain focused germphobia's (particular directed towards high school and stool related, like diapers). But that kinda got snowed under because now more so there is an abundance of stress (which the shrink only made worse by constantly not getting my prescriptions in order and keeping it changed from monthly to weekly) the average people have their ups and downs, i just got downs, i also don't got people or fun things to balance out the constant negative things going on.

I hope you can find the courage to get yourself the proper help that you need soon.

I have been tried many things and nothing worked, the second (and first who i only spoken to through the phone during corona never even seen his face which he wasn't even allowed to do) were suggesting a certain diagnosis he always said he never had proof for and noone in my surrounding agreed with the assessment, but he always tried various new medicine for it on me with saying also that it helps against axxiety etc too.

The only real thing that ever worked for me is temazepam but there is a shortage of that since january along 1500 other medicine, i had experience with that because of my mom who started that in the 90's, and yes i even admit that it doesn't always work, but even as placebo, if it helps in my mind, it helps. But this shrink is just so anti benzo's, unlike the other one, who even said he would prescribe me benzo's for life if i wanted to and stop any other form of treatment, i wish now i accepted that.

I can't change shrinks, they are already understaffed in the whole country, and they only work there 2 days a week and each year they quit.

This is my third one and i didn't had much problems with the previous ones at all, basically i am bit screwed, and i only got hypnosis left to try (which isn't going to be covered and i am afraid my stubborn streak can get it the way) otherwise i don't know how to proceed right now.

Heat*, and yeah i understand you, i live next to a parking lot of a hospital, from 5:30 you can hear the cars rushing by so they stay closed too (and lots of insects).

Thank you, appreciated.

Thank you.

Thank you.

But don't you choose (and pay) your own psychiatrists there? Like another one isn't really an option here and "waiting it out".
And perhaps like the others he might leave in at the end of this year, but i don't know but primary doctors are very hesistant because in the 90's they prescribed it, people abused it and now they are very hesistant, 1 even took away my oxazepam once, where i had to go to another doctor again to ask it back.

Atleast 10 years ago i could always get oxazepam, but when i had the moment of 7 months being cut off this particular primary doctor didn't want to prescribe me anything, it would also really be about finding the right one willing to do that, but the one who did it for me back then passed away some years ago, it was a very nice doctor.

Thank you, but i think i can really forget about it (or go the online route sort to say) and that my only remaining option would be hypnosis.

Sometimes you get it offered while buying equipment, but usually you end up with paying lots of extra's (when you don't have it big) and nothing happens to your equipment, and the phone was 209 euro in 2019, 5 years for a phone on itself wasn't that bad.
A special company that would insure your electronic equipment (my pc was 2500 euro when i bought it) and i got loads of computers, so it wouldn't be bad to have, but i never heard of it before, if they have it here.

You got your own printer or borrowing it? I feel it's a bit the same as VR that it only catches on to a limited group and thus it's never becoming mainstream like regular printers, and more affordable.

But i don't know how loud those alarm clock apps are (And without spam ad) and if i will awaken by them with something in my ears.
Because usually when i do set an alarm i am already awake by myself and turn off the app, i do have an alarm clock, but standard it's giving bird chirping in the afternoon, and the manual is in this big box with dozens of other manuals, haven't bothered looking for it, i just had this great normal one, but the plug broke.

I don't have bluetooth headphones any suggestions? What can be possible there is that with certain items like real earplugs that i keep hearing my pulse, like it goes boom, boom in my ears, i am using mostly pieces of cotton balls but it's not really sealing the ears.

But did you eventually manage to find something/someone that did help you, and what do you have if i may ask?
The problem is that we got a big shortage of mental doctors, so just hoping my luck on finding another one is kinda done unless they get another one.

Thank you appreciated, and the best to you too. :)

A tough year after i started moving, things suddenly went all downwards, a wall of loneliness that hit me, in november i received a physical ailment clashing with my germphobia, i had to wait till march for treatment, but only made it worse and the surgeon can't explain why and he also basically let me go.
Then that whole thing started to shift 3 weeks ago and i still don't know if things are healing, changing or not, but that took a lot of energy (water, electricity, but also my own because of the constant need to wash my stuff).

That's what drained my batteries and not even made me go physically to them, and instead of saying we understand, we will help you and have your meds (or new ones) settled and we will see eachother again in september and hope you are back up on your feet again.
Basically it's i am already on the ground, and instead of reaching out a hand they basically kick me further when i am down.

Aside from the benzo's helping calm me down somewhat (and sometimes not) it atleast made me fall asleep better, i still had a few left but slowly offcourse it will run out, and if i am going to have nights of insomnia again while my batteries are already low.

It's definitely not fun.

You gave Lugum an ear, that is your offering!

I think it´s essential to feel overwhelmed sometimes. It is at those points where we think about how to move on/ find a solution and how to accomplish this while keeping a good health and being content, if and as much as possible.
At least it´s how I try to tackle life.

What part is all worth it or not?

Thanks.

I certainly hope to have atleast that luck to win the lottery some day. and yes that still wouldn't buy happyness or make everything go away but it certainly could allow you to enjoy things more that make one happier, having no or little money certainly never made anyone happy.

If you been on the forum enough, you can have seen i expressed myself more then enough, and there are about 3 people in real life i can also talk until i feel i am blue in the face, but in the end they all put their hands in the air saying they also can't do anything for me.
Beside some points, mostly of that is true and i realized that, so i already kinda stopped venting myself, this was also more of 1 time outing after a very frustrarting day, a parody on another thread here: "if you are angry today?".

But for example my phsyical ailment (clashing with my germphobia) and just the feeling of not having your body under control is not a nice feeling, i can't make people wanting to be my friend or moreso wanting me in a relationship, at a certain age it's just very hard especially when you don't go out, and if i can force myself to go out what can i and want to do? I don't know. Some just run into eachother, i met a few female friendships through all sorts of channels 20 years ago but those friendships went away and i don't know the reasons why it just never happened again.

I am not an artsy type in any way, i was even ridiculed by the teacher in grade 8 doing a paper on the police, and he showed the whole class how ridiculous i drew a police car.

Stress has to be compensated, stress is killing for mind and body but most "normal" people have that, have their ups and downs, have people to catch them from falling, but it isn't there in my life, if i had that it would already save me so much where perhaps i don't even need medication or something, i always take the example of my uncle who became unwillingly single his whole life (i don't know about friends).

Most people's life are destined for a family, home, pets the whole thing, and some not, it looks like i am one of them, i am not complaining about life, in ways it did make me stronger, and some people are way worse off, and i even understand suicidal thoughts, people who have/had them don't want to die, they just want to end the suffering and see no way out, i don't see a way out right now either, not that i have such thoughts of wanting to end it all, but i certainly don't want to keep on living like the last year either but also the possibility of never getting a kid is also killing and a no go for me, but i feel my clock is ticking. I am like okay if life wants to give me lessons fine, but enough is enough now, but it doesn't work like that.

And where i like to always use music in my giveaways, i would quote pink floyd - time: "Noone told you when to run, you missed the starting gun".