Storytime with the Commissar [Ended]

So I have decided to tell you all a story, a true story. One that all of you will enjoy. Why? Well why not?

This story is about the adventures of the Russian Baltic Fleet during the Russian-Japanese war, better known as Airplane! The long forgotten boat based prequel!

Are you sitting comfortably? If not? Too bad!

Russo-Japanese War
Pacific Fleet gets bottled up in Vladivostok, Russian land forces are getting BTFO
Admiralty decides to send the Baltic Fleet to the Pacific to save the day
Six Battleships, most modern warships Russia has
Crews and ships completely unprepared for combat
The Battleship Oryol sinks in the harbour before they even leave due to the removal of sheathing that allowed water to flood in
Fleet preparing to set sail when a mysterious submarine is found in a crate aboard an American clipper
Base goes on full alert because it must be an attempted Japanese sneak attack
Turns out the Russian Admiralty bought a submarine and forgot to tell anyone in the fleet or the port authority

You'll note at this point they haven't even managed to leave St. Petersburg yet.

Finally make it out to the North sea behind schedule in Autumn 1904
Britain is Japan's ally, not at war but suspected of aiding the Japanese somehow because you can't trust merchants
Midnight on the North Sea, Dogger Bank off the East Coast of England
Suddenly, the supply freighter Kamchatka signals that she is under attack by torpedo boats
PANIC.jpg
Entire fleet comes about and steams straight into the fray to save their comrade, guns blazing
Cruisers Aurora and Dmitri Donskoy are misidentified as Japanese and hit repeatedly by friendly fire, killing a sailor and a ship's chaplain.
Numerous Cruisers report being hit by torpedoes, begin emergency maneuvers
The Battleship Borodino reports being boarded by Japanese forces, crew attempts to abandon ship
20 minutes of panicked firing later, someone signals to cease fire.
Battleship Oryol fired over 500 shells and hit nothing
Searchlights illuminate a tiny cluster of unarmed, severely distressed British Fishing Trawlers, one slowly sinking
Three Englishmen dead
Oops
Russian Fleet decides to just keep sailing and pretend nothing happened
Next morning, trawlers limp home, the Royal Navy absolutely goes ape and raises steam on the entire Channel Fleet
Suddenly the Russians find their six Battleship fleet being pursued by twenty-eight Battleships and screened by countless Cruiser squadrons.
Surrounded and forced to park off Spain until St. Petersburg finally apologizes and gives Britain enough money not to sink their entire navy as revenge

This is before they even left Europe. If you noticed they managed only a 2:3 KDR against unarmed fishermen. This is the fleet they expected to save Vladivostok from the Japanese

The fleet docks at Tangiers but manages to lose sight of the Kamchatka for several days
Kamchatka finally catches the fleet up and reports engaging Japanese Warships and firing over 300 shells at them
The ships that they had actually fired on (and missed) were a Swedish Merchantman, a German Trawler and a French Schooner
Leaving Tangiers, one ship accidentally severed the city's underwater telegraph cable with her anchor, preventing communications with Europe for four days
Fleet has to sail around Africa as they are banned from using the Suez Canal for obvious reasons
Circumnavigating the Cape of Good Hope, support freighters and transports keep falling out due to mechanical failures
Baltic Fleet finally reaches Madagascar, only to find a message ordering them to hold there indefinitely
Turns out the Admiralty decided to dispatch reinforcements (all the broken down ships which the Fleet Commander had explicitly refused) with orders to "Locate the Baltic Fleet, whose course and heading are unknown to us"
2 months sitting in port at Madagascar in summertime
All crews confined to ships the whole time
Malaria everywhere
Four different Torpedo Destroyers lost to mechanical failures just from sitting at anchor
Three separate muntinies by pissed off, diseased crewmen
Reinforcements still not there
Decide to hold gunnery practice
Every Single Battleship misses their targets on every salvo
Exactly one hit scored, on the tug towing the target ship
Gunnery Practice is aborted early because it turns out the Admirality didn't issue enough ammunition for the Battleships, while Kamchatka suddenly starts signaling that she's sinking for no reason and one of the Cruisers has to stop practice due to a "very large snake" around the breech of their fore battery
Dozens of crew dead of maleria, decide to hold funeral at sea
Borodino accidentally uses live ammunition for salute
Hits the Aurora, again
Reinforcements finally arrive
Decide to set sail

At this point they haven't even reached Japanese waters and they have already cause havoc, mayhem and destruction; mainly to themselves and those unlucky enough to be around them. You think things can't possibly get even worse can they? Well you'd think that........

Fleet Commander decides to try and sneak into Japanese waters and towards Vladivostok through the Tsushima Strait
Russian Fleet has blanketed their lights at night to remain undetected, apart from a Hospital Ship which per the Rules of War, kept them burning
Japanese Cruiser Shinano Maru saw these lights on the horizon and approached the vessel
The Hospital Ship mistook the Shinano Maru as another Russian Ship and didn't notify the fleet, instead signalled the Shinano Maru that not only was it Russian, but the Russian Fleet was nearby
Shinano Maru sends a message to the Japanese Fleet telling them the position of the Russian Fleet
Tsushima ensues

Note how after mistaking everything in the Atlantic for Japanese Ships when there was no logical way any of them could be there, when they finally find a Japanese Warship they mistake it for one of their own. It is no wonder that the Battle of Tsushima was such a disaster for the Russian Navy.

Anyway I hope you enjoyed the story, now here are some questions on it! CV level 2, you got 1 week. As usual no sharing or revealing answers, although if you have to then I wonder why cause it's all there in the story! In addition there will be some random keys dropped but in the spirit of utter contempt I will not tell you what they are for, only that they will either be a Magicka Wizard Wars Item some Warframe booster, Wildstar or Ghost Recon Phantoms stuff.

People usually have some mood music when they do this, suppose I better put up some random unrelevant music video whatever.