The programmer's wife said, "go to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."

The programmer came home with twelve loaves of bread.

Thank you!!!

• Mom, mom, I found daddy!
• How often do I have to tell you not to dig around in the garden!

A little girl is riding along the highway with her mom.
When suddenly a dildo falls off the truck in front of them and hits the windshield
The little girl asks: Mommy, what was that?
The mom, not wanting her little girl to know about sex yet, answers: It was just a bug honey.
The little girl sits quitely for a while, before exclaiming: It sure had a big dick.

Patient: Doctor, I’m so terribly nervous. It's my first surgery!
Doctor: Don't worry about it, it's my first as well!

Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

What's the hardest part about eating vegetables?
...
The wheelchair.

stolen from somewhere

I like my porn just how I like my search history. Disabled.

From http://xkcd.com/221/

View attached image.

Patient: Doctor, everyone ignores me...
Doctor: Next!

Thank you!

Have you heard about the Quaker S&M shop?
Its motto was Proverbs 27:6 (Wounds from a Friend can be trusted... ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) )

One man goes up to a woman in the street asking, "Are you Catholic?" The woman replies, "Yes, I've been addicted to cats for 12 years."

A woman has 3 daughters.
One day, one of them comes to her and asks:
"Say, mom, why did you name me Feather?"
"Well, as your father and I were looking for a name, a feather fell onto your head, so we named you Feather."

The second one then comes and asks:
"Mom, I've been wondering, why did you name me Leaf?"
"The day you were born, a leaf fell onto your head, so we thought it would be a fitting name."

At that moment, the third child enters the room and yells:
"GHUBLUAAARGHUG"
"Shut up, Refrigerator."

Someone stole my coffee today; I'm off to the police station now to look at a few mug shots.

I don't wanna get technical... but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.

Which animal wears shoes? A horse.

Joke? Hm, nah... I must act like a bot, so thank you!

gracias

Why did they cast Scarlett Johansson instead of an asian female in the new Ghost in the Shell movie?

...it was probably lost in translation.

My life

Batman and Robin are camping in the desert, set up their tent and are asleep. Some hours later, Batman wakes his faithful friend.
"Robin, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Robin replies, " I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" asks Batman.
Robin ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Batman?"
"Robin, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/comicbookjokes/batmanjokes.html

We had to interview a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served 
in the Philippines during the war, 
I asked him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly added, “Did you ever kill anyone?”

Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.”

How can you tell when gluten free bread has gone stale?

You can't.