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One night I woke up to go get me a cold pop. And then I thought somebody was barbecuing. I said "Oh lord Jesus, it's a fire!" Then I ran out. I didn't grab no shoes or nothing, Jesus. I ran for my life. And then the smoke got me. I got bronchitis! Ain't nobody got time for that!

While at my job, a couple became angry with me because I charged them for an extra ranch they'd ordered, as I'm supposed to. When I explained how it says in the menu how any additional sauces are an extra charge, she said nastily, "That's okay, we'll just take it out of your tip"

Years ago, there was this one time where I was angry at my friend. So as I was walking down the stairs, when my friend said hi, I purposefully ignore him and looked up. But because of that action, I missed the last step on the stair and fell down, bet I looked kinda funny. He helped me up though, so all was well

This is a few years ago

Okay so basically I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday
She said that she wanted to be 8 again

When her birthday came I woke her up early, we had coco pops, I then rushed her off in the car, we then went to chessington, (a kids play park in england). We went on nearly all the rides. Afterwards we went to McDonalds and had a burger and McFlurry.
When we finally got home, she collapsed on the bed, she then said to me "I wanted to be a SIZE 8 in my dress!" We both burst out laughing

True story, was so fun anyway!

So I was at a family cookout and we set up a table with 2 liter bottles of soda. The table is really weird. You push down into the middle to close it and it collapses. Earlier, someone spilled some of the ice. Not noticing the melting ice, I walk over to the soda table and step on the ice cube. I fly forward and crash into the table. The table broke and the part you set things on dropped, but the table didn't collapse, so I got a faceful of Mtn Dew, Cherry Coke, Fanta Orange, and Mug Root Beer.

So this one time I joined a thread on steamgifts in the discussion section and noticed that op had a cake next to his name so I shouted "HAPPY CAKE DAY" and took off.

When I was in 4th grade, I walked home from school because I lived very close by. One day I stumbled upon this huge rubber band on the road. I thought it was pretty cool, so I immediately picked it up and launched it directly in front of me. As it was flying through the air, I noticed a speeding car travelling perpendicular to the road on which I was walking. The guy driving had his window down and the rubber band smacked him right in the cheek. He yelled, "OWWW" and just kept on driving. I stood there for 2 minutes trying to figure out what I had just witnessed. I'm not sure he even noticed me...