What is the best news you can hear from Steam?

Yo bitch you just won all of current and future games in steam including DLCs

a semi-realistic one: to have the achivments worth something, except the coolness factor

Free blowjobs!

DRM-Free, no trade region-locked, buy as CD-Key, multilayer cross-platform (GOG, Desura, Origin, etc), some kind of refund system, Better support.

One Piece game on PC & the last of us xD

"Gaben just sent you a velociraptor."

no more censorship for the german guys

You can hear from steam?

• "We finally put some good games on sale with (a little) bigger discounts than usual!"

You would like to hear from steam?

• "We cancelled our recent absurd shitrules: region locks and 7-days-untradable-stuff-from-SCM, also, we fired the fucker who came up with them in the first place!"

• "You can now choose whatever steam level / steam badge level you'd like to display on your profile"

"We hired teams for customer support."

free games for all

"We're so so sorry that we stopped you from buying games for half as much from exploited regions. We don't mind you taking away income from us and the devs who made the games you want, so enjoy buying from Russians again instead of your own region." Yeah, I'm sure that would be great news.

All games in all regions are now locked, game prices will be adjusted to meet the average monthly salary in specific regions.

F&$% traders. Just give me fair price, not the one from USA or Germany.

Well they killed the whole trade system, the best news for me would be to have it back.

That they have developed holo-decks like in Star Trek and we can now beam ourselves directly into a game's environment.

Either that or that they have found a way end to all ideological intolerance and bring peace on earth.

Dear Customers, we are pleased to announced that we have made a deal with EA to sell the whole Steam platform, from now on you'll be able to enjoy your games just as it's used to be but with EA's great reputation made through their history and starting next year, a light monthly fee per month will be introduced because... monopoly. We hope you'll keep enjoying these games which you paid with real money, that we control with a restricted account and keep in mind that a non-received payment will lead to the destruction of saves and games in your account. The EA saves-management will be taken cared of by experts in the field of cloud; Ubisoft, with their trusted Uplay platform. We hope you will enjoy brand new yearly release of updated games disguised as new ones along with very omnipresent subtle publicity along them coupled with next gen graphics, no frustrating gameplay hassle, that will brainwash you away :)
Leaving your world, Pay in ours.

Sincerely: Steam April Fools Division.

More Magnets

Steam and everything tied to it now belongs to me.

Games bought actually belong to us and can't be removed or accounts closed for random reasons.

"After the region locks, 1 week lock for keys, 30 day waiting period for gifts, we decided to remove all the games from all the users. Why you ask? For the glory of our savior and master Gabe Newell whom needs desperate souls to survive"

This would be good news

That they're giving me a Steam Machine for free as a promo offer.

Microsoft buys Steam and integrates video driver and Direct X update service into it. All XB 360 titles ported, all pouring money down the drain (read, pretending *nix can be in any way gaming system) stops immediately and all titles receive 10% permanent rebate on the account of no longer wasted resources :3

You can SELL your games to other Steam users.

REMOVAL OF REGION LOCKS, GIFT RESTRICTIONS, LOW PRICES FOREVER, MONEY BACK GUARANTEE.