A man dies, and his wife gets him cremated. She takes the ashes home and starts talking to them.
"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."
Then she whispers, "You know that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes."

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out: "Watch out for the wall!" :-P

Robin Williams murdered my favorite comedy actor.

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Government is there to serve us.

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This nurse goes into the bank, and she wants to endorse a check. She reaches into her pocket and pulls out... a rectal thermometer. Not noticing at first, she then tries to write with it. Upon realizing her mistake she looks up to the teller, pauses, and says, "Well, that's great. Juuuust great. Some asshole has my pen!"