About relation ends (please no sex war here) --> GA

i take it i dont know why but i do =)

BUMP

Humans...

17 years? That is a long time indeed. Makes you more of an expert in the challenges of relationships than most in here, I bet.
Breaking up is never easy. Specially if you leave in bad terms, and especially if you are the one who gets left behind. As that inclines you were the one who wanted to stay together more than the other. Long relationship like yours also affects your life hugely as it is ingrained in your life.
It will be tough to start living on your own again for many reasons that doesn't include relationship related challenges.
Finding yourself should be priority. Self exploration and then when you find what you are, embrace yourself. That is where you can start improving things around you and ofcourse about yourself too.
It will take time to enjoy life to fullest, but there is no rush. Take it easy and make most out of your life.
Finding yourself should be priority. Self exploration and then when you find what you are, embrace yourself. That is where you can start improving things around you and ofcourse about yourself too.
Shouldn't stress about relationships too much. Platonic is usual way people go. And things go on from there without expectations.

Also when it comes to how things went they way they did between your past relationship. It is hard to know without fully knowing everything about you both. In end you know the best. But even your best might not be enough to get to know full truth. It is hard to not know the answers to everything, but don't let it get to you too deeply. It is easy to turn into self pity and melancholy with uncertainty.

Just a small thoughts. A lot more to say and to discuss for certain. But think close friend or family might be more useful for deep&long discussions.

I don't think the end of a relationship is something inherently bad, sometimes people grow apart and want to adjust their life acordingly.

I've never been in a relationship, so all I can do is bump with a thanks for the GA.

That said...

you are not intellectual (she is a photographer and i barely found the message sometimes i suppose)

This makes her sound pretentious in a way that isn't compatible with a deep relationship. So if it's any consolation, you probably didn't lose a person who was worth keeping.

Personally, during some of my worst breakups I found watching movies and spending time with (platonic!) friends to be the most helpful things. Bonus points to those wonderful people that will listen to you pour your heart out about the situation and help you work through your feelings of grief. You have to tread a very fine line of keeping your mind occupied enough to be able to function somewhat, but also to not ignore or bottle up what's going on inside of you. Either way, times when you have to be alone with yourself are the worst. Sleep can be especially difficult. Sometimes, you'll even dream about all of this awfulness you're going through in your waking life. I've read that you can help induce dreams by sleeping on your back, eating certain "intense" foods like some cheeses or spicy food, or taking melatonin. So it might follow that you should sleep on your side, eat easy-to-digest food only, and absolutely avoid taking melatonin to help you sleep.

I hope no kids are involved.
These things happen. Often its the best for the both.

Edit: The destination for the holidays really should be a mutual decision. I cant imagine me going somewhere I dont want to go.

I'm happy I found my girl 22 years ago. We still think alike, not always though, but thats really important. It helps when you have the same interests you can share. For us its music and travelling.
Hope you'll think back at this breakup in a few years and tell it was the best thing that happened to you.

i found someone he is ...

TL;DR: every girl is a b*tch

Well at least you had someone for 17 years

#ForeverAloneMasterRace

my life TL;DR: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2-h4OGVD2k

you are not intellectual (she is a photographer and i barely found the message sometimes i suppose)

Don't beat yourself up on that one, no a photographer isn't an intellectual, and one who pretends to be sounds fishy (or pretentious, as someone else said). Plus if she only realizes after 17 years that you're not intellectual enough, I think she's the one not intellectual enough... It doesn't take me 10 years to find out I find someone too dumb.

ways of feeling better

I'd say just don't listen to peer pressure that tries (even if not necessarily on purpose) to make you feel bad when you're not in a couple. It's waaaay better to be alone than with bad company, now that I've experienced it I know it's true.

Can't imagine how it is - 17 years might be weighting. Don't bash yourself for how things went or how you feel- anyone would be feeling the same after any serious relationship, way more in 17 years.

Feelings aside to cut it short beforehand: it was for the best; Best now then later, because if with all those years ended as such then it wouldn't last more nor should. Look at the positive - wasn't supposed to work. And its for the best - means something or somethings weren't for you on this relationship.

Reasons for breakup are rarely exactly what is said on the tin (sometimes none of whats said). Some peple may consciously plan to not be straigth but from what ive seen with me and others truth is almost everyone rationalize things without even noticing. Loads more of small things or some particular might have weighted more for this to happen. Heck ive seen a couple of cases of regret when a person realizes (often not rationally) it wasn't the relationship the 'problem'- its quite common btw, someone just urging for something to change or unhappy of something they can't nail to project in the relationship. Not saying its your case, odds are it isn't, just ilustrating that its more complex, nuanced and specific then something anyone could distill in a simple way. There aren't formulas about love. Some people even tried- i bet we can find dozens of books advertising as some sort of ultimate guide on the subject- and theres reason none is famous and more will be written: because theres no easy answer. No single answer. Probably because it isn't answarable like we wish.

Most probably a couple of things weren't as she envisioned (expectations play a good weight) - not necessaily you under expectation but the both of you. A part of it that we can be certain is that passion was over (scientifically speaking it doesn't last) since you were way ahead of the initial passion. Something(s) surely clicked or the familiarity over 17 years would have broken earlier. But in this time people change, you, her, feelings, expectations, etc. Im only saying 'couple of things' because often it isn't about just one or two things. On rare instances like a one occasion affair this single issue can brake a relationship, its easy to pin down (and with a chance at reconciliation). At this point it surely wasn't just this or that that perhaps you could have done differently - its like a water cup being filled. How you both changed and the emotion changed were slowly filling this cup. Whatever or anything really could have been the last drop that made her realize 'i don't want this anymore'.

You ever tried to talk to anyone saying they aren't feeling the same in their relationship anymore? Ever tried asking why? Ive seen people taking time to think in how to describe, how to put into words. Sometimes you can even notice the person just now pinned down to this or that.

The truth is feelings run on a different track. Reasons don't have much to do with it. Psycho-analysts can pin some of those down but truth is any reason is our rational brain trying to interpret then. It does so with this thing called logic that have nothing to do with emotions. The closest we can get is to how they 'work' or better say how they exist- the chemicals and such. Scientists with all their logic pinned down for example how smell and other chemicals play at seduction and passion, they can see correlation to some of this to how one couple match and other don't... but what trully goes on at how we feel? Nothing. Its a encrypted blackbox.

What matter...:

• Don't even/ever hold yourself to any come back. Given the context given she wasn't hurt, meaning this wasn't a breakup with feelings left but more like the feelings dying. You showed no glimpse of this but at our lowest after a breakup it can happen. Shrugg it off.

-You're trying to rationalize, no surprise there(its only human) but it won't go anywhere. Leave this track, theres no exit, no end point where you feel satisfied and most important- it won't make it hurt any less or feel any different.

-If theres one reasoning that can help and is setting your mind on moving away.

• It wasn't supposed to work and it was better this way.
  And oh boy, believe me. Better end things then it to drag for who know how many more years with her having increasingly less feelings. At some point everything would feel dead or lacking and if she didn't felt like breaking up you probably would at some point. Ive seen this first hand, thankfully it was way shorter. Theres nothing to gain on a dead relationship kept for any reasons- all it would do would be locking you both with each other instead of with someone better.

• Its a good thing trying to think of other things. But my tip is to not listen to music that relates to the moment. Music is empowering and some lyrics too but truth is even a lyric talking about moving away will be ringing at the back of your mind the entire day (the message lingers subconsciously) - and its subject, what it means to you, is the breakup.

Its good in the first moment, that moment where you can't think of anything else the hardest you try- so better something that tackles the subject helping you. But start changing the tunes. To be sincere even hoping on a new relationship so soon after can backfire, reminding you why you're with someone different, how she is different, etc.
It helps a long way to forget this as issue first and re-discover joy without her; Even more so after so many years it can be really helpful reminding and kickstarting again how it is to be you. Just you. Happiness doesn't depend on others and the longer being 1+1 the more the single digits blur and everything comes from a 'us 2' pov. You don't need her nor anyone else for the matter....
...and btw getting this straight with yourself first even boosts confidence and increases mojo for your next relationship.

-Above everything else: DONT BASH YOURSELF.
Dont linger thinking what could have been diffeent, where you made a mistake, etc, etc. It can even hinder your next relationship. For starters chances are what she said doesn't even represent what moved her away. Lingering on those can only lead to bad and stupid things like trying to make things different the next time (another girl, not being yourself, not even being something you needed to change...).
I mean it could have been something about you but thats not your case. It wasn't something like distance, jealousy or any true flaw in character.

Not intellectual? First it only sounds like shes pretentious. Second if ever heard that i would be relieved- no matter how is the bar you set for that anyone telling 'not intellectual enought' is talking about a kind of 'intellect' way above any i wish- the kind i see as pretentious and flashy and wannabe. Thank god you aren't.
And if by any measure it hold some water then whats the point? At most just a lesson to not date anyone wanting too much 'intelectual'.
(now seriously this is pretentious. Im a nerd bookworm with obscure tastes that would be called a hipster if i wore fashion glasses and i wouldn't ever say that much less this way. +1 hint this deep down is some kind of expectation unmet from her pseudo-intellectual wet dreams. Let she date a writer if she wants, as if that meant anything for love)

Someone else? Good riddance then- doesn't appreciate you enought no point in appreciating you back.

The only thing that made sense was 'think black, think white'. Sounds like bs but probably is that reasoning i said earlier- it was just some wide strokes at some sort of differences in thinking, viewing of life or whatever. Meaning: not compatible. Sometimes the different complement each other, more often they just don't stick. Better that way.

Point is: no point in thinking any of it. Any amount is overthinking. Move over.

-Unfortunally theres no cure for hurt feelings other then finding other feelings for replace.
The only know cure to man is time.
Its a grind but theres no other way.

Hope it helped.

Oh and btw- play some of your backlog to think at other things. It can help as much as any entertainment, but i can bet it can move your mind far away then most movies (where its pretty much a rule in holywood to include some love interest) and music (where 80%+ is about falling in love, ending love or crying over lost love. I mean seriously. Its like they run out of subjects).
Go play doom. Some non-bioware rpg (they mostly suck anyway).
Here, im looking at your library (similar tastes it seem, lots of rpgs):
-go play some more Mount & Blade. I mean 70 hours is low for Mount & Blade.
-no playtime show for Overlord. Really? REALLY? Being a evil overlord would surely help.
-or some abzu to relax
-Oh strider! Great metroidvania, intense, no play time shown. There it is, beat this one!
(ps: the best way to enjoy strider is start running non-stop. The sooner you realize you can play the entire game runing and thats how its meant to be played the sooner it clicks. And then it hooks.)

good luck QQ

17 years is a lot :O
just curious, were you married?

relationships can end for any reason. sometimes people aren't compatible with each other or they just get tired of their partner. it's sad when things escalate over time and finally explode because no one wanted to talk or solve issues. ☹️

First let me say thats a bummer, second congratulations to your new exciting future, it really takes two to tango so you need a new dancer and keep on dancing again.

Bump.

Thank you for this topic. It just felt nice reading someone's thoughts on a matter I can relate to. Of course, your 17 years are not even close to one year I had. Glad you're feeling better, hopefully I'll get to that stage too.

I met someone 2 years ago here of all places (yes, on SG). It went from a silly chatting late at night to a bit more personal exchanges of words to something more serious. Relationships are hard as it is but there was a lot of distance between us (countries apart) which didn't make things easier. Regardless of that, we saw each other twice, in December of 2015 and in February of 2016 for my birthday. Both times she would fly over. After that, I really can't tell what happened. I guess the most reasonable explanation would be that she got bored of me and cooled off. Nothing new, such things happen. What sucks is that during that time, I developed the genuine feelings of love for her so I tried in every conceivable way to save the ship from sinking while on her end my every action was met with apathy and indifference. Then inevitably, the moment came when he broke up with me and in my case reasons were:

• My appearance. I kid you not, the actual thing she said once was "I expected you to look different" and it broke me inside. She had thing idealized expectation of someone from magazine covers I guess, I don't know. But that sentence opened up a Pandora's Box of confidence issues and being too self-aware about how I look.

• Distance. This one is self-explanatory.

• As I said, she eventually got bored of me and decided she wasn't into the whole thing. Also almost a 10 years age difference didn't help and I could notice the age gap in the way of her thinking when it came to mundane things in life. I don't know. I try not to think too much about her, as hard as it is, so there are still lots of gaps to be filled. I doubt they ever will be.

• Everything was wrong with me. Nothing was ever good enough for her. Every little thing I did after a while had a flaw in it that she managed to find. It just made me feel so demotivated and emotionally drained

The same night it happened, she moved on instantly.Blocked and deleted me on every place we had interactions and removed all traces of us interacting. I did not take it very well. It amped up my depression by a mile, making me spend the next three weeks in bed, barely eating and communicating with anyone. I also think what really hit me hard was her breakup a week or os after both of my parents passed away. One of the things she said then was something along the lines of "no matter what, you'll always have me" and then the opposite thing happened. After those first two weeks I did the next thing that made the most sense in that moment and given how I felt. Without going into nasty details, my suicide attempt didn't go the way I expected, it ended up being rather messy and even the police got somehow involved. After the release, I spent most of it living and working (and even playing games) in zombie mode/ Just going through the motions, barely feeling and enjoying anything and to this day there is a lot of that left in me. I was also assigned to a therapist and after almost a year she managed to break through my defenses and I gained a deeper understanding in some things.One of those is now really clear to me: none of it was my fault. I blamed myself for everything about the breakup and felt like a failure. It took me a whole lot of sessions to understand who had no regards to anyone's feelings unless hers were involved in the subject. I still don't think anything bad of her, I wish her all the best and I want her to be happy more than anything in life, even if that doesn't include me in the picture anymore. She is not a bad person by any means, she just doesn't care about anything if she can't gain anything from it, whatever it may be.

Either way, I'm working slowly now into integrating back in the land of the living, distracting myself with whatever I can get my hands on, whether it is games or anything else. I also started writing for Capsule Computers from time to time to have some kind of motivation and a short term goal(s). There is a lot more I would want to say and write but it gets extremely hard whenever I touch upon this subject. I space out thinking about her and it is almost impossible to construct coherent statements, my mind gets all over the place and I usually end up getting depressed and thinking about her a lot for the rest of the day. However, something in your post touched me so I managed to push through so all of it felt kinda therapeutic in the end, so thank you for that :)

You also linked some music so I have to link this album as well, in a way it saved my life by preventing me from giving another go and taking my own life. I would just put it on repeat and postpone it telling to myself "maybe tomorrow" and that went on and on and on for weeks til I snapped out of it https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W0CBzKfvA80 It is perfect from the very first note to the last.

Again, thank you for sharing your story with me.

Life is change. People change. So either both grow in the same direction, or they separate from each other. What I've noticed is that many lasting relationships result from habit. That happened to me too, and I was "glad" that I managed to get out of it.

Good luck for new chapter of your life ^^
It must be hard for you... that's a long years in relationship... I hope you overcome this, and keep positive, don't care about her because she't doesn't care of you...
Housekeeping and do hobby is time consuming and feels rewarding ^^
Thanks for sharing with us =)

I have a story too, I'm just broke up because of his parent not approved to propose, well I'm not live up to their standard, I guess, I but I wish my man would man up without disrespecting his parents @_@

This is among the worst things - being stuck with some stranger. And acquiescing the situation which doesn't lead anywhere, dunged with memories of everything that once was great (but will never repeat itself because everyone has changed, i.e. grown).. is lying to yourself.

Why people love? Probably a person loves someone who makes them see the world being full of colors, possibilities, world having a great future. Who gives unlimited strength and feeling of being alive, willing to go forward. This is so beautiful and so fragile.
People grow to understand better themselves and what they truly want to accomplish, how to live. Then paths may go different directions. All the 'reasons' you are mentioning are just outcomes of growing not to answer the expectations of each other.
Good for both of you that you don't waste each other's life anymore. Good luck.

I recently broke up after 10 years. The loneliness and the feeling of "What if I did this, or that, could the marriage be saved? " are hard. Just hang on. It's said that time cures everything

Man. Good luck with your new loved one, maybe shes the destined one. I'm in my first relationship so I probably don't know how you felt. I wish you didn't know either.

Bonjour,

Premièrement il faut donner du temps pour soi. Tu ne peux pas faire semblant que tous vas bien et tu sens ok, quand ce n'est pas vrai. Le temps est une clé !

Ma première relation a duré presque une année, mais la rompture a brisé mon coeur de la manière que je n'ai le pas pu endurer. J'avais une dépression nerveuse qu'a fini à l'hôpital - sincèrement ma vie était en danger. Je suis contente que maintenant tu n'es pas dans cette condition, mais je peux immaginer que c'est un temps vraiment dur pour toi.

Tu n'as pas besoin de se dépecher, garde-toi tes bonnes mémoires et il est important d'avoir quelqu'un pour te soutenir quand t'auras besoin d'une étreinte. Cela va prendre quelque temps, mais tu vas le surmonter.

Bisous !

EDIT: This song was with me all the time.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJYcmq__nDM

Relations usually end because of:
1) Boredom. You're bored of each other, so no need to continue a boring relationship.
2) Anger. You keep fighting each other, always disagree with everything, jealousy that keeps you restricted and angry, etc.
3) Different characters. You have nothing in common. Opposites attract, that's why you were together, but you can't keep up when you dislike everything she likes and she dislikes everything you like.
These are generic examples and have nothing to do with your relationship obviously.