Have you ever felt so depressed that you felt like cutting onions all the time ?
Maybe next time take the path that gives you the least regret. I feel that you should have steeped in, not strongly like shes mine but more of to the dude like a fake " dude are you alright" kinda approach.
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I don't really know what to think, because I've never been in a situation like this (I mean, going out with a girl, hue hue). I believe that you acted following your instinct, because you saw her behaviour. From what you said, you thought he was pretending to be drunk, but this was your opinion. Maybe she really thought he was drunk, or he was drunk indeed. However, if she felt sick of him, you would have seen it, and in that case you could have acted the other way. But from what you said, there was no such evidence, so...
I'm usually extroverted when I'm out with friends, but when I'm alone near a girl... well, I really don't know what to do or what to say, besides speaking a bit about how their studies/work are going... then usually comes near a male friend (of mine, of hers, or both) and we restart talking again. I don't know, it's like I don't have nothing to say to girls (who are not close friends), it's a strange thing.
However, I don't know, if this thing struggles you so much, you could always ask your lady friend what she thought of what you did (or didn't do). This shouldn't change what she thinks of you, it should only let you know if you did good (yay, +10 points!), or if you did bad (-10 points). In this case it's a lesson for you, and you could apologise and explain why you acted like that (+5 points), and maybe ask her to tell you when something is wrong, and not to expect that you read her thoughts. If she doesn't accept your apologies, then at least you know it.
One more thing: what do you mean with "alcohol has no effect on me"? :D
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He can drink you under the table most likely is what he meant :).
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I have he exact problem when it comes to speaking with girls. It feels so strange and awkward at times. But with this girl i actually feel ok talking with. Even though most of the time is just random chit chat i don't have that feeling of anxiety when i talk to her.
And yes , i can probably out drink you :)) or maybe not :))
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Maybe it's a common problem among shy people. Just as you say, I also have a couple of female friends I regularly chat with, but with others... Maybe it's because I don't know them much and simply don't know what to talk about.
Mhm this here looks like a challenge...
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easy; next time just turn into the hulk and be like:
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Well did she seem uncomfortable when that guy got handsy? In any case you just need to be more direct, if she invited you and she's single there's a good chance she liked you too and wanted to see if you'll make a move on her. I can relate to a lot of your description except I'm not fit at all :)), so I'd say just go for it and ask her out, there will be no confusion as to what your intentions are. But you need to act soon or else she'll think you're not interested and move on.
Pe scurt fii barbat :P.
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She did seem and said that she was a bit uncomfortable. Acting fast takes guts. I'll ask her out as soon as i figure out where :)) Since i don't go out much i have no idea where to go :))
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Yeah, dating as an adult is a nightmare around here :)).
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My advice is: if you like a girl just take her. In relationships there is only one rule - first come, first served. If you will wait some asshole will appear and take her because he dares to. And she'll go with him because he'll show he knows what he wants and he wants her. Do you want it to happen? No. So be a man and move your ass. It's a man's thing to do. And if you're keep saying to yourself "oh no, I'm shy" that's a bullshit, man. Being shy is only a habit - yes it is, I was shy too. And it's your excuse. Ask yourself what do you really want? If you want her just go and tell her that you want her. Look her in the eyes and tell her you want her to be your girlfriend. And I mean really LOOK HER IN THE EYES. And always look in people's eyes when talking. If you can't do it practice on strangers in the bus - treat it like a game, a person who first look away lose. And never lose. No matter what, never look away first.
And if you hesitate if telling her you want her to be your girlfriend is worth it and if you are afraid that she'll say no - well that won't change anything, will it? You still won't be together. But you will feel proud of yourself you did it. And it will be easier with other girls. And if she'll say yes than I expect you to fucking come here to Poland and buy me a beer.
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if you like a girl just take her
I think that's illegal in most countries
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Well, i can say for certain that i always look girls in the eyes when i talk to them( if ever). And there have been some times when my friends where looking a bit bellow and i was the only wan that didn't :)) I'm sometimes amazed by my self-control :))
Even if things turn out the way i want to, i can't promise that beer :))
And no kidnappings :))
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Are you sure that she would like that? >_> I mean, maybe she actually like the fact that he is shy. I know, in world of "men advice" this is not common and I will hear: "every girl likes confident guys", but that is not true. And honestly, if I was on her place and the cute, shy guy I went with would start being pushy or raging suddenly, I don't think I would be impressed. I generally distrust people who change their behavior drastically, life taught me that this is common for unstable and toxic people :P
Oj przestań, posty piszesz żeby Ci piwa stawiać, no weź ;).
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I'm just saying sometimes man's gotta do what he's gotta do - nobody will do it for him. Moreover if she feels the same he just can make her happy by asking her to be his girlfriend :) And I don't want him to become overconfident or arrogant, I want him to take a chance he was given before somebody will steal it from him.
Nawet za bardzo piwa nie lubię, to tylko takie powiedzenie, żeby... w zasadzie nie wiem czemu ma służyć :P
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It might not mean much, but judging from your story, you are an awesome person ^^
Polite, friendly and responsible. That you neither drink nor smoke is a plus, it's healthy :3 and I'm sure, even as a shy person, you have a lot of fun ^^
Let's try something :3 I like shy people. Why? Because they seem to appreciate your character rather than to focus on looks and shallow conversations. You have to actually spend time with them to get to know them and that's a good thing.
I don't like aggressive guys, these typical alpha-males that are overly confident and annoyingly pushy. To me, they seem shallow and superficial and more often than not, they objectify women and treat them badly. Of course, this is all my experience, there might be great alpha-males out there ^^" but the nicest guys I've ever met were calm, friendly, didn't really care about being super masculine, were a bit shy, nerdy... They were great! And no, they do not end up in the friendzone, they find great partners that love them for what they are.
So don't feel bad just because you're shy and don't say, or even think, that you're ugly. That's nonsense. Not every girl out there might like how you look, but who cares? You are so much more that your looks and the girl that falls in love with you will appreciate all of you, your appearance, but even more importantly, your personality and your heart.
Now regarding the girl and the guy that hitted on her... If she didn't seem to be bothered by his behaviour (you didn't really describe how she acted while this guy hugged her), it was probably for the best not to interfere. How well do you know the others? Maybe she's used to his little acts and doesn't mind, or just considered it to be a silly joke?
But it's good that you walked her home, it showed her that you care even after this little incident.
I can't agree with the 'just kiss her' advice someone else gave you ^^" I would not approve it if a good friend would suddenly try to kiss me. It's a little hard to explain but... kissing is something intimate? I would not just kiss anybody on the lips and a guy that tries to kiss me without being absolutely sure that I would also like to kiss him doesn't seem to care much for my feelings. (Well, just my opinion ^^")
So holding hands might be a better start. If she doesn't even want to hold your hand... she's probably not interested. But just like before, you didn't really mention how you walked home. Maybe you do hold hands already.
Well, don't be too sad and don't think you're ugly or anything. If she's not the one, then your soulmate is still waiting for you ^^ I'm sure you will find her and I wish you all the luck in the world ^^
Ah, one thing I forgot :3
Although I wouldn't advise you to kiss her, make your feelings clear. Tell her, that you like her, that you want to know her better, that you felt uncomfortable when this other guy approached her. Just be honest.
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I think holding hands feels more intimate than kissing. Hand-holding is something that mostly only couples do. On the other hand you see people get drunk and make out all the time, which makes kissing seem less intimate.
Anyway, I do agree with you that going straight for the kiss isn't the best idea, especially since OP said he doesn't know how to read hints.
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The way I see it, holding hands may be intimate, but it doesn't have sexual connotations, so it's a safer way to approach intimacy. Kissing someone sends a message of 'I want to have sex with you'. Holding her hand sends a message of 'I love you'. So if what you want is a long term relationship, and someone who's looking for that, I'd go for the latter.
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Agreed, holding hands is intimate, but ET3D explained it perfectly :3 A lot of people make out and kiss all the time without giving it much thought, but holding hands is more innocent. If you just plan to make out with someone, you wouldn't hold hands, right? But if you really like, or even love someone, holding hands is a visible expression of your wish to form a bond with this person.
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Thank you for the kind words and advice. Holding hands to me is more intimate than kissing( i'm a bit old fashioned i guess :)) ), since in my eyes it represents a bond. And even though i think i had the chance to do it i didn't try to do it. It takes courage that i seem to lack.
As for why i don't think of myself as being ok looking:
10 years ago (almost 11 in august :D ) my first relationship ended badly and long story short, i started gaining fat, half way up to obesity due to my stupid depression that still clings on to me :)) And when you get fat, you also tend to become less attractive. And for 8 years people called me fat and ugly.
Some people think that by saying that to someone it motivates them to do something about it. They might be right, on the 8th year i just had enough of it. I started to look for another job and start going to the gym. Even though ever since i've been trying to better myself ( my mind by learning programming, since i absolutely love to solve problems and that is a good job to do that, and my body by hitting the gym really hard and changing my bad eating habits ).
If you would have asked me a couple of years ago if i thought that i could change even the slightest i would have firmly said no. But despite all the good that i managed to do for myself, i can't shake off the feeling that i'm fat and ugly as i've been told for so many years.
The good part is that that is a problem which i tend to solve, somehow :)) Changing other peoples opinion is hard, but changing your own opinions is even harder.
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From all your posts, you sound like a good and strong person. You know what's right and can work to change yourself. You're smart, and you can chit-chat with that girl. So I think she'll be lucky to have you, and if she's a good person herself she will recognise that (especially if you let her get to know you better).
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100% agreed :3
Seriously, listen to ET3D ^^ he/she is so right!
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Like I just said, ET3D explained perfectly why holding hands is intimate, but different from kissing. And because it symbolizes a bond, it's a nice and kind of safe way to find out if someone might be willing to form a bond with you. Reach out to her hand, let your fingers touch hers and see what happens ^^ I know, it takes courage, but you have time, don't rush things but be sure that you feel comfortable. If she likes you, she won't instantly get involved with another guy. Give her hints, tell her that she's pretty, look into her eyes while talking, make your shoulders casually touch each other... She will give you the courage you need once she shows you that she enjoys your presence.
You know... I understand you better than I want to admit ^^" My whole life, people told me that I'm ugly. It made me sick, literally. I got a depression and all these nasty things and bad experiences still affect me today. But my friends constantly remind me of the good things. I might not be pretty, so most people don't waste their time getting to know me but there are things that make me special and loveable (although there are days when I can't see them).
What I've learned in my life is, that physical attraction is less important than most people think. Every time I fell in love, this person was beautiful and perfect to me. I didn't care for their looks, it was their character, their heart, the way they made me feel that I loved above everything else.
It's okay to change, but please ^.^ always remind yourself that no matter if you gained weight, or found any other flaw, you are a great and wonderful person and if you change, do it for yourself, not because of others :3
Believe me, everything I've read so far tells me, that you are a nice person, someone I would instantly introduce to my friends. And your picture shows that you are a good looking, handsome guy that will make a girl extremely happy.
It will take time, maybe another ten years, until you can see yourself the way your friends see you, but for now, believe them and all the nice people in this thread that assure you of your good looks and your evenly good character. Write it down, print it, pin it to your mirror: You are awesome, just the way you are!
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You seem to be a Romanian fellow, so I'll just let you know:
Nu-ti face griji pentru fraierul ala, fata tot a acceptat sa va pupati pe obraz la final ceea ce inseamna ca te place. Si nici urat nu arati sa stii x)
Putin curaj si va fi a ta!
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Unfortunately i'm like the lion in The Wizard of Oz, without any courage :))
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I think you handled it well. :) Like others have mentioned, better talk to her about it. See what she thought of the situation.
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You did well. Good for you on having self control and decency, doing stupid things never helped anyone. Be proud of yourself.
And that girls behavior is not nice if she came with you in any capacity, even only implied - she should have refused his advances and definitely not encourage him. That said, I didn't get from your story if she was uncomfortable with it, went along with it because they are long term friends or even wanted it and kind of ditched you. Her behavior tells about her and should help you on how to proceed, because she might not even be someone "worth fighting for" in the end.
If you don't like watching similar scenes, tell her the next time "hey, I think you're cool and would like to get to know you better, but I'm not interested in going somewhere only to watch some other guy openly hitting on you. If you want that, then don't call me to be a third wheel".
Also, I feel like you're too much concerned of what she's gonna think of you. She's gonna think whatever she wants in the end, you can't pretend to be something or someone you're not just to get her approval. Just be yourself and make decisions you won't regret later (in any way) and you'll end up happy with yourself, and when that happens, you're on top of the world my friend.
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she should have refused his advances and definitely not encourage him
This put some perspective on this for me. Given what gogu87 said in a reply to me, that she felt like slapping the guy, I assume now that the girl is also shy and doesn't want to make a scene. She was willing to suffer this in the hope that it will end quickly enough.
Given that, it may be that she is interested in gogu87, and the reason she's not doing more to further the relationship is that she's shy and hoping that he'd make a move. In that case it would be good if he did talk to her about his feeling.
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She is also a bit shy if i dare say. Especially compared to her lady friend :)) She didn't enjoy his advances. She later also told me that she only met him 4 times before. I feel like the story of a bad sitcom :))
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I'm shy too, so probably I'd have done the same. But while I read your story, I was wondering if it would have been possible to talk with the guy to stop hitting on this girl because you have plans with her. Even if he was pretending to be drunk, maybe he didn't notice that he upset you. If you stop him in time and in a friendly manner, maybe you can even get a wingman to help you with the girl.
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If that guy was his friend, then yes that would be a good way to go about things. But the guy didn't know him, so why would he stop hitting on her for him?
If I was making a move on a girl and some random guy told me he's interested in her and asked me could I back off I'd laugh in his face and then tell him something like: "If you want her get some balls and take her, otherwise fuck off."
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Well, even if they aren't friends, they went to the concert together. Without more detail, it's hard to tell if he is a douchebag and this would be a failed approach or he is a proper bro who can be reasoned with and only plays the drunk / idiot in front of women (sounds stupid but I think we all know this type, and they tend to be successful, at least in one-nighters).
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Well, maybe i'm wrong and he really isn't a douche( maybe i'm the douche for even thinking otherwise). But while the girls where going to the toilet( it seems that girls can't hold a pint of beer too long :)) ) he tried to be sort of alpha bragging to me of stuff and the conversation led to him saying that he likes to buy people like me to work for him( i'm a programmer ) and i responded nicely that he couldn't afford people like me( because the tone in which he said that sounded as if he was a dog peeing on his turf :)) ). But when he talked to me he sounded pretty sober, that is until the girls came back.
And i can't have wingmen, cause all my friends are either married or already have girlfriends, and i wouldn't want to put them in positions that would jeopardize their relations.
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I've been single my entire life, but I'm just like you in terms of personality(I think), and I think it's normal to feel like punching that guy or something, but I wouldn't react in a way that involves harming someone just to stay out of it, even if it meant my losing any chance to get a girlfriend.
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ok, second comment here.
people are offering sound advice
so i'll give my 2cents on the topic of advice...
be your self. if not, it will blow in your face later on. if you are not assertive, don't fake it.
since you are already comfortable talking to her just talk.
oh, and regarding what muIIins said. if you think she just wants hangout don't push it. heck, i wouldn't even raise the subject.
how many ladies replied here? i would take the strong advice of those who did...
cause what do us guys know what they think? ;)
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She may be waiting for him to do something. If he won't, she might move on. I'm a shy person, I like things to move slowly, and when I dated my wife she was ready to leave me because I didn't make a move to give her a good hug after a few dates (she's big on hugs). If I hadn't sensed that something was wrong and talked to her honestly we wouldn't have ended up together. She did like me and I liked her, so it moved quickly from that point.
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you just prove my point.
you stayed yourself, and you talked to her. didn't push it or nothing.
and by how Gogu is describing it, just first date. ask your wife what she would have done if you would have jumped her after one date?
yes, i'm over exaggerating on purpose
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I was responding to the 'if you think she just wants hangout don't push it' part. That's what I feel is dangerous. Such a thought often comes from shyness or low self esteem and not because that's what she really wants. That's why it's good to broach the subject.
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i completely agree with you. broach the subject, gently.
don't push nothing ;)
unless she wants to
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Well the good part is that i can't become someone else over night. So i'll still be myself :D
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hey, i'm an expert.
ask me anything you want about air pollution and pesticides... just not on ladies ;)
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Taking no action isn't alaways a good thing. I mean the girl maybe is the type of "I want someone I can rely to", so she might wanted to defend her. On the other hand, as you mentioned she isn't your girlfriend as of now (we all hope that changes ;) ) so your hands were really tight. Either way, she didn't do anything with the SOB, so hy even bother? Just play your game and have that girl for yourself.
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That situation just didn't feel ok. I didn't know for how long she knew the guy( they could have known each other for a long time, it was only later that night that she told me that she only meet him 4 times before) and doing something in that situation didn't feel appropriate without knowing all of that.
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I dont want to repeat what everyone is saying but having a fiancee (we've been together for 5 years) I know she would prefer me being open with my feelings. Dont want to generalize but most of the women like open, clear guys. Its like how everyone is saying "women like bad guys" its not about bad and good, its about generally 'bad' guys are more up front about their feelings and 'good' guys think about many things and prefer not to break their loved ones heart or something. Just talk to her, convey your feelings. Believe me its the best option you have. Never be satisfied with only being her friend. Aim for more and let her know it. Stay strong.
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In my eyes it is complicated since i enjoy her company a lot and after a really really long time i didn't feel sad and alone. And if i screw things up it all goes downhill.
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It sounds like her friends didn't know she was on a date. Also, it sounds like she has shit friends. Probably something the two of you should talk about.
By the way, contrary to some the advice you've received in this thread, I think it's a terrible idea to enter a relationship by acting unlike yourself. You'd be deceiving the other person, and you'd be in a relationship built on false premises, which is not cool, and it's unlikely to last.
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I would never deceive, i don't even lie to people( which is not always a good thing, from a couple of experiences). I don't act as if i'm somebody else. If someone doesn't like me for how i am than they don't interact with me. I've been in another relationship a long time ago for almost one year and i never had any problems for being honest.
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Well if you liked League of Legends fiction, I would of offered you to read my tale, it helps my friends to cheer up most of the time, but I doubt you like that kind of stuff so... Drink a cappy and be happy, cheers by Kapy xD
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I went on the dota side back when i was playing a lot :P but i might try a cappy next time when i turn out thirsty :D
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I'm so impressed with your self control and how you contained yourself! Wow!
You have so many awesome qualities that you don't see that is obvious from your decisions and actions in this experience. But the most beautiful quality you have is humility. Many say you need to have more self confidence and not low self esteem...
I see everything you say is not just evidence of low self esteem but also of the attractive quality of humility...
The fact that you work out and are really strong in comparison to the other guy and you don't use that physical power to overthrow others shows a humility, compassion, and beauty like no other.
Humility is not popular in this world or even esteemed but is the one of the most beautiful qualities one can possess.
Hang in there buddy... Nice guys are valuable, loyal, humble, compassionate, kind, and most of all humble...
You'd make an awesome friend, husband, father etc...
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I know that there is a chance that she won't want anything to do with me if i as her out. But i'll have to do it at some point.
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And do you think the situation would have been better had you not asked her out? I mean, sure, she might have continued talking to you, but you'd have been locked in a non-relationship.
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I was talking to a girl for sometime. She was constantly texting me, we talked about our days, stuff about life etc. Until I asked her out. She didn't even reply to me.
it's sad how people are totally fine with ruining a friendship over a relationship.
it's like the only thing a female friend is considered useful is to be a chance to get a girlfriend. if it "fails" the guy gets tagged as friend-zoned (what a stupid term), or as mentioned before, lose that friend forever.
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well, another post said that i could have been dead :)) so i guess that that would have been worst indeed :))
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Well, i'm going to say just what i would probably do.
You can say that i'm self-controlled, when it comes to what people do to me, but when they do to somebody i like, that's a different story. I think that you could have asked her if it was ok the way this person was acting. If yes, you could let him be.
BUT, i think that if she likes you the same way, she would want you to do something about this asshole. And you should have done something.
It's nothing like objectifying; if you felt bad about it, you could even grab this man to your side, so he don't do any shit to her. I would say this is chivalry. It's a way of protecting her, so she could feel safer with you.
You got this "I am the man who will fight for your honor/ I'll be the hero you're dreaming of" thing, right? You don't need to be a fighter nor an ass to her trying to do this. This is not a competition, it's just doing what is right. And the way you told, I think pulling this guy aside was the right thing to do, unless she was confortable with him.
Either way, i think any women on Earth actually wants her partner to protect her, to confort, to feel safe. And being very "self-controlled" is not going to help when you HAVE to do something.
Try not to be so passive, and actually act on your and hers behalf, if it's the case.
Best regards, friend o/
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If we were a couple, trust me that i would have done all you said and more if needed. But since i didn't know who he was for her at the time i didn't know exactly how to react.
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Well, you do like her, so it's better to clarify this. Friendzone starts when you do nothing.
I understood that is not the first time you date, right? Then, you have to show her that you are interested in her, as a woman, or you will be just friends.
I understand you are shy, and probably want to go slowly, but that doesn't really help when trying to start a relationship. You don't need to impose yourself, just show interest, reach to her, touch her skin. Make her feel it without saying it.
If that's what you want, do it. No need to think in the future consequences of that by now.
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I'd just like to add:
It's good to act, but bad to over-react. Even if you were a couple and you knew you had to act, I'm sure she'd have appreciated you more if you could solve it with a word or by just putting a hand on his shoulder, anything that would not have resulted in violence.
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