Who am I?

Part of me thought I’d wake up and I’d feel okay.. but I’m not okay. I wake up and my chest is tight and it’s hard to breathe. I feel sick to my stomach. I don’t ever do anything right and everyone I care about abandons me. Who am I? Is any of this worth it. I am so sick of crying and falling apart. Is there something about me that just makes me unlovable? People just walk out of my life all the time, family, friends, it doesn’t really matter everyone walks away at some point. I spend my life in fear for so many reasons. At 4 years old I already experienced abuse and abandonment, my whole life spiraled downward from then on, I never even had a chance. I spent my life being used and abused in every way possible up until I was 17 years old. My life was filled with therapy, mental hospitals, medication, support groups, police, social services, doctors visits, and everything in between. It’s been almost 3 years since the last time and you think I’d be over it but it still haunts me. Every memory burned into my brain. I don’t want to live anymore, I don’t belong here. I don’t want to hurt the people I love though so I don’t know what to do. I just feel like a heavy weight is on my chest and it is suffocating me, crushing me, I am drowning inside. I want it to all go away. Just fix me. I know I am broken and I can’t figure out how to be complete again. I know this post is long and rambling but I just need people to understand. Heck maybe I need myself to understand. I don’t know any more. I’m sorry..

And what is the problem exactly?

It's good you are able to talk about it, even if it's kind of anonymous on the Internet. I can't even imagine how hard it is for those who decide to take the ultimate step but believe me, those who stay behind carry a scar that is quite nasty itself. Please, try to find some professional help, as you seem to already have tried, whenever you feel it's all too hard for you. There are those who will miss you even if some don't seem to really care right now.

Thank you for still being around. Please stay with us :) HUGS!

Two things that might help, as I've seen them help others;

1. Exercise. A healthy body is often necessary for a healthy mind.
2. Get a camera, go out and just start taking pictures of nature or things you find beautiful. When you feel down, its helpful to try and find the beauty in that which surrounds you.

The past is in the past, the future is what matters. I hope you can find the good in life, and don't let the bad drag you down.

poor poor you

You are not alone. You are loved. I love you. Me and a lot of people all around the world. Always keep fighting!. There's this beautiful program to help everyone who is fighting against the struggles of depression. It was created by none other than Jensen and Misha (Dean and Castiel, from Supernatural). Please just go there and ask for help. If you feel like it, you can add me if you want. Please, always keep fighting.

Hey Kitty I understand you went through a lot of broblems. I've had my share, too, but nothing comparable to that.
I'm lucky to have a family and some friends who care about me, but I don't know how much it will last. My life is a mess, I don't have a job and I can't finish my studies because of one single shitty exam. It's an ugly situation and everyday I ask myself what the purpose of my life is.
I still don't have an answer to that, I always think about it, but when I find something to do (be it some work in the garden, playing cards with friends, cutting wood for winter, play a new videogame... you name it), these thoughts go away, but they come back once I'm alone again. Maybe my problem is that I need something to do. I don't know if that's your case as well. I hope you find out.
I don't know if this could be of any help. It's just a thought.

Try something new. If you're not up for much, try something small. Maybe ride a skateboard around the block. If you like it, do it again tomorrow. If you didn't like it, well, nothing really lost.

Try something new every day that might feel good. Little things when you're not up for much, bigger things when you are feeling better.

Nekochan 🤗 💗

I've been there. Trust me, it gets better. Remember, you are experiencing a medical condition - parts of us get messed up all the time. You have done nothing wrong. If the first person you go to for help isn't helping, find someone else. You are not alone and it is perfectly okay to look for help with your problems.

I wish I could say that one day you will get over the abuse, but it will always be a part of you. It is easy to stay stuck in your head and dwell on the past, which does nothing for you except intensify the hurt and negative thoughts and feelings. However, since the past cannot be changed, you can also choose overcome your experience and use it to help others going through the same thing. There are more people out there that have gone through similar abuse and neglect than you may even realize... You are not alone.

Go out or read... do something that keeps your mind occupied in a positive way - such as build a network of support. As for perceiving that 'everyone leaves,' it is helpful to remember and accept that life gets in the way. Those who love you have not abandoned you. People often go through their own struggles too and might be more focused on dealing with that.

Here's a couple of links loaded with information and resources. If you take the time to read through them, you may actually find them quite helpful.

• http://www.innerbonding.com/
• http://joy2meu.com/

kitty , i understand what you are feeling. i tried to and failed at commiting suicide twice in the past 5 years ( last time being 3 years ago) one thing that i finally accepted is that bad things can and will happen to people for no reason what so ever. trying to rationalizie why its all happened to me and how easily it could haev been someone else has haunted me for years. i still wake up crying every now and then feeling like a failure no matter how long passes and how much i work on fixing myself or how much i achieve in my life. i am sorry to say that the road to healing is a long and hard one that i myself have not finished walking yet and i do not know where it ends. it might leave a scar that never fades , but i promise you that it can get better. please belive me when i say that it does get better.
you might feel alone , but you are not . look around you and you will see how many people are reaching out to you on discord , on steam gifts and in anyway they possibly can
people care about you
you do matter
even if you are not perfect , even if you feel broken, even if you really are broken
we still care

''I don’t want to hurt the people I love though so I don’t know what to do.''
Annoy the hell out of them, let them treat you like shit in return, you will soon switch to another side of love-hate spectrum. Problem solved. I did it, works great.

I'm sorry for what you went through

If you are still here.

Let me share you something.

2012 My mom died, and one year later the most beloved person on my life leave me (tried to understood and speak to her to understand, she denied to talk with me)

I was going to suicide. 14/Sep/14

After spent 2 years figuring out how it will be, where, what should I do before, what families pass by, If i must leave a letter. one more year later, i know I'm broken in many ways, I don't know how to solve them (I really wish a manual for this), but I choose to fix me. To be alive, to suffer and smile, obviously you had tried, but you don't want tha bad stuff on your life (nobody likes them), but are part of living and experience.

ASD, MDD, CBT. besides some other physical damages (I thought could fix but limited resources are a part to deal) I could identify them, I can't afford some stuff to fix them all, but I'm learning to deal with, they will not dissapear, are part of me. But I choose deal with those fuckers. I'm not totally suitable for a 'regular middly well payed job', too much blank spaces to fill.

Maybe I don't care at all, with 7.5 billion of people, and many billions more already dead, but hell, on this fucking chaotic world, there will be things that worth your fucking damn time.

I know the feeling. World sucks, sure it does, people is nasty, dishonest, greedy, absolutly.

But is your choice, all this stuff are part of being alive. Guess what?
on December 2014 I found Steamgifts.com, I never really felt a belonging sense, but somehow I had it here.

And if you are still reading this part, guess what? You will eat tacos with me. Probably someday, probably never. (No Taco-Bell shit)

View attached image.

Altough I haven't sufferend what you say I understand how you feel. Hope you can manage it efficiently. Take care.

In those dark times when you think the wolrd is over, when you think there is nothing you can do to make it better, when you think none can understand you..you still have yourself ..to help you find the patience to come out of it.. You're here! You know you've done it before and you can do it again! And then you will enjoy the better times that have yet to come and that you know you had, at least some.. There will be more..Find the patience of your heart and mind to overcome this..

Hope,+1 to your WL will help a teeny bit...

I take meds for depression daily and it makes my emotions even keel... also,the interaction on puzzles here on the board distracts me in a good way...

When life gives you the middle finger, the least you can do is give life the middle finger too. Life is never easy and you'll find many obstacles in the way, but overcoming them is the meaning of life and what makes life enjoyable. So, keep fighting and you'll see that'll make you feel complete! And if some people abandon you in the way, give them the middle finger too, since they didn't deserve you anyway, because if they actually loved you, they wouldn't have abandoned you - so, stop caring about people that don't love you and find someone that actually does!

View attached image.

@Vampkitty, the last I want to do is compare stories, cause you are the one suffering right now and you need all the love and and attention we can give you right now!

No, we can't fix you, wish we could (cause I need some fixing too!)
Our personality is formed in our childhood, before the age of 6 yeaIrs old.
Whatever goes wrong there, can't be fixed entirely but with help, support, counseling and (if needed) some meds live can get easier and hopefully again worhtwhile!

I have gone through extreme hardship myself with a very sick husband, which broke me and showed all too clear I have an underlying personality disorder.
Not meant as comparison: just saying we are not to blame for what went wrong in our childhood!
Our childhood shaped us and made us into the persons we are now.

With the extra luggage of a childhood gone wrong, life can be extremely challenging!
But even if you stop believing in yourself: others will still see you for your true self, a person worth loving and being around!

Please hang in there!

I can't offer you the moon and the stars, I am a realistic person and pretty broken myself, but still I know that there are people caring about me and the same goes for you!

We believe in you, let's us pick you up and someday you will be able (hopefully) to carry yourself again!

Hang on, please!

Keep fighting with the rest of us and I hope you can even experience some joy every now and then :)

I'm sorry to hear what you've been through. May your future be better than your past, even so much better that your future will be so bright, that it lights up all the darkness from your past, so that it won't be dark anymore. May new loved ones come into your life as the old ones leave. May help be always near. May
The truth is: It will get better, but also: it will never change

It will get better:
As wounds become scars, so also can memories fade and hurt less. However, it will always be there, and some days something will remind you of the pain again. As time goes by the scars and memories fade further, until most are barely noticable to you. Sometimes others wil point it out, and you can only think "What scar?" And then you are reminded, and smile, because you forgot the pain, so it doesn't affect you anymore.

But also, it will never change:
Wounds may heal, but the scars remain, and thus you will see them, and be reminded.
Memories, especially the painful ones, rarely disappear, they just fade. But they can pop up once again.

The hardest part about all this is learning to accept the pain that is there, the wounds and scars formed. When you can accept it, it can't hold you down anymore, because it is not a bad thing anymore it is just a 'thing'. If you can see your mental state and emotions as something you control (albeit only partly), and not controlled by 'things', you can alter how you feel.

I speak out of what came into my mind, based on my own experience with depression and other mental health problems (with both me and people close to me) and my experience with physical wounds and traumas.

I have a huge scar on my right forearm (besides 20+ all over my body from various things), and sometimes, when I have a bad day, just seeing it makes me feel sad again. Sad, because I feel the pain (physical and mental) that brought forth that scar. But, when I then say to myself: "Hey, it's there, it's been like that for years.", or even "It looks way better then right at the start.", it helps. It helps to put things into perspective.

TL;DR It gets better, but some things might never change. Accept them, and put thiongs into perspective. You control how you feel.

I know this is a long piece of text, but it's all worth it if it makes anyone feel better for just a while.

EDIT: fixed a link, and an extra tip: substances (drugs, alcohol, etc.) don't help, they have been shown to worsen mental health and mood. Music, on the other hand, can help. Just be careful what you listen to. Melancholic music can make you feel worse, EDM can make you feel detached, Metal can make you angry. But some good upbeat music (pop?) usually helps (maybe something in a language you don't (or do?) speak)

On these forums, I was introduced to the 'Everything is Awful and I'm not Okay' checklist, which helped, so I attached it as image as well.

View attached image.

View attached image.

I have never been through the kind of abuse you've experienced, and I've never had chemical/clinical depression. I'm sad when it's appropriate to be sad, and happy when it's appropriate to be happy. So, that makes it really difficult for me to understand what having a condition like depression feels like.

But that's the perspective that I want to give you: be aware that your perception of other people not caring may or may not be accurate. I don't know the people you're talking about, so I can't have any particular insight into them. But, I will say that I've had friends and family with depression, and there were probably times where they thought that I didn't care what was happening to them. But what was really going on was that I was worried about them and simply didn't know what to do about it. Sometimes, asking questions about how they were seemed to make things worse. I didn't want to be the person that pushed them over the edge.

In reality, I was terrified for them, so afraid that they would make some kind of rash decision..so I didn't want to pressure them or remind them of all of the pressure or pain that they felt. I know now that this probably wasn't the right way to handle it.

What I'm saying is that the people that love you may simply just not know what to do. They are likely scared too -- scared for you. If you need for them to talk to you about how you're feeling, you may need to be the one to initiate the conversation so that they know it's ok. Let them know that you want and need help, and then let them provide it. I wish that my friends/family in this kind of situation had done that. It would have allowed me to understand how I could help.

I'm glad that you're reaching out here. I know that probably almost no one on here knows you in person, but (other than a few asshats 😜) I think you'll find that you're surrounded by other human beings who really do care.

I do. I care about you. Let me know how I can help (even if you just need me to send you kitten videos or something).

I have recently learned through my own experience that depression is not a choice, it's a sickness due to a chemical unbalance in our bodies. What you describe are the common symptoms of this illness. There's nothing to be ashamed about it. However, depression is not to be taken lightly.

Of course, I'm not telling you anything new here since you have suffered from it for so long.
But you are here, strong enough to reach out. Value that. Use it as a founding stone for your new self. A new self that will need to renew every now and then, every fucking day maybe, that will fall but will stand again. We need to accept that. It's part of our sickness.

If you are not on the proper medication, you should. That's the first step to building your ladder. It should make you feel a bit better, help sorting out your thoughts and relieve physical pain. Then, find a good therapist (try others if that doesn't work, there are even different schools); you will need that to process (and reprocess) your feelings, thoughts, memories.

Afraid of sounding insensitive, my advice is to accept. Accept and endure.
You will ultimately see how valued and valuable you are. Don't let this stupid sickness keep confusing you.

Stay strong, girl! As the greatest person in the world (my grandfather) used to say - 'no matter whether you are in a good or bad spot in your life, it won't always be like that. So either enjoy it, or fight it. And be ready, or look forward for the turnaround.' So hang in there, it eventually gets better. :)