How to talk like a pirate.

• Growl—and scowl—often. Pirates don't use a cultured, elegant, smooth vocalization. They growl, mutter, and scowl, all the better t' rattle yer timbers an' chill ye to th' bone.

• Use pirate lingo. Sounding like a pirate ain't hard t' do. Thar be lots o' fancy tools for picking up pirate lingo, includin' online dictionaries, even iPhone apps. Make use of them. Try to affect a swashbucklin' attitude with your delivery. There be nothin' as unconvincin' as a shy pirate.

• Gesture with your hands frequently. If ye need t' be drivin' the point home, gesticulate! Don't forget that buccaneers do most of their natterin' on th' deck o' a ship—out on t' ocean, where wind, waves, n' bird calls make it tough t' hear. Gesturing often gives you a sense of "being there." Just be careful wavin' that hook around. Ye could put n' eye out!

• Slur your words together. Saying, "The boys and I were out for a lovely day on the water today" sounds like something you'd overhear at a snooty yacht club, not out on the bounding main, and th' only Dave Jones they know is the one from the Monkees! Instead, try, "Me 'n' these here scurvy scallywags drug our sorry keesters out t'th'ship'n'had us a grand great adventuaaarrr! We almost had t'keelhaul Mad Connie f'r gettin inter th' grog behind our backs!" Always drop your Gs, and use contractions whenever possible. Be sure to punctuate often with "Arrrr!"

• Never ever use "you" or "you're." Instead, use the piratical form, "yer", "ye" or "ya" for all forms of address to others. "Yer a scurvy bilge rat, ya pompous gasbag." or, "Here's yer dinner, ya mangey cockroach." Note that you should always endeavor to call the addressee by some insulting name, usually involving an animal, criminal, or noxious odor.

• Embellish at will. A pirate be larger than life, and a buccaneer's bellowings should always reflect this. Don't just say, "We saw a whale off the starboard bow today." Say, "Me'n'th' crew seen a great grand sea beastie, th' mother of all whales, aye, an' then th' kraken came!"

• Refer to yourself as "me" at all times, never "I." It is not piratically correct to say, "I have a cold." It is far better as a pirate to declare, "Got me a case o'th'sniffles, 'ass rye!" More importantly, substitute "me" for "my." For example, don't say, "Look at my new sword," say "Lookit me new sword!" Also substitute "meself" for "myself" as in "Got meself a right fine ship!"

• Mutter unintelligibly unless yelling. Being a pirate usually meant being liquored up to some degree. A lot of time, pirates were pretty mush-mouthed. In the step preceding, the term "'ass rye" actually translates to "that's right." Get it? Aye, ye better or ye be walkin' the plank, ye pustulant, pox-ridden flounder!"

• Be as loud, abrasive, and confident as humanly possible. Pirates ain't fer bein' shy. Stand tall, me hearties, and be counted!

• Get a stuffed toy parrot and sew feet to right shoulder of a second hand store jacket. This will put you in the mood to adhere to the above mentioned rules and guarantee an abundance of "yers and arghs".