A LoL player and a DotA player went into a bar. The DotA player said "LoL sucks." The other could not deny.

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

Thank you and enjoy the bump :D
(for the moment i don't have either time or jokes :X)

And Merry Christmas :3

Bob had amnesia.

Then one day he forgot where to find his pills and looked all throughout the house to find them.

Joined by a neighbor, they attempted to refill his prescription as he absolutely needed these pills.

Later that day, the nurse escorted bob back to his cell.

Bob then played Starbound and fell asleep.

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers see this and agree that it is quite a clever idea so, after the conference, they decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.

The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Two policemen are on patrol with a dog, as a little boy comes over, lifts the dog's tail and is staring on it's butt.
One of the policemen asks the boy what he thinks he is doing there.
Thereupon the boy replies "I heard there's a dog with two assholes running around."

May sound a bit awkward in English, that's the best I could come up with atm.
Man, my grandmother knew so much evil NSFW jokes, but I can't remember them. :/

Awesome giveaways btw. :)

A programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

Congratulations, and thanks for the giveaways!

A newspaper was holding a pun contest, best pun submitted wins $500. One guy thought he was pretty clever and had several good ideas for puns. He submitted 10 puns to the contest in the hopes that one of them would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

3 midgets find out that they have 3 weeks to live. They realize that they have nothing to show for in their lives, so they each decide to try getting into the Guinness Book of World Records.

The first midget says: "I have very small hands, maybe I have the smallest hands in the world!"

The second one says, "I have very small feet, maybe I have the smallest feet in the world!"

The third midget says, "I have a small penis, maybe I have the smallest penis in the world!"

So they each submit their applications to the Guinness Book of World Records Headquarters and a week later the book is published,so they all gather around to see the results.

The first midget opens the book and says, "Hey look! I have the smallest hands in the world!" The second midget looks and says "Wow! I can't believe it, I have the smallest feet in the world!" The third one grabs the book from the previous and anxiously starts browsing through it, looking for the right page. After a few seconds he stops and with an angry look on his face he says: "Who the f**k is Inflim?!"

I saw a study that said "One out of every ten people are gay." I've had sex with ten people. That really weirds me out because, statistically, that means at least one of those dudes was probably gay.

I have no jokes, but thanks for the awesome giveaway!

Once upon a time, there was a village wherein lived a rabbi. One day, the village was flooded.

The water was up to the rabbi's knees when a boat came by. A man inside said, "Come in, rabbi! We'll save you!" But the rabbi said, "No, God will save me." The boat left.

The water was up to the rabbi's waist when a second boat came by. A man inside said, "Hop on, rabbi! We'll save you!" Once again, the rabbi said, "No, God will save me." And so the boat left.

The water was up to the rabbi's nose when a third boat came by. A woman inside said, "Give me your hand, rabbi! I'll save you!" But the stubborn rabbi said, "Bloh, Vlod will save ble!" The boat left. The rabbi died.

When he reached Heaven, the rabbi went to see God. He asked, "God, why didn't you save me?" And God replied, "What are you talking about? I sent you three boats!"

On question 2 it says stuff that hints to pokemon am i just being stupid or do i have to type it differently then i am doing so?

Der ver zwei peanuts valking down der strasse. Und von vas assaulted!

whats the hardest part when eating a vegetable? the wheelchair.
Couldn't stop myself from posting that but you probably know it already

Why do woman have one brain cell more than horses?
So they don't drink the water out of plaster bucket while cleaning the stairs.... hahahahaha :D

what does the cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?
wipes his a$$

how do you stop a baby from crawling in circles?
nail its other hand to the ground

so a flasher goes to a park and flashes at three old ladies sitting on a bench
the first one gets a stroke.
the second one gets a stroke.
the third was just out of reach

Thank you!

Obama..., i know its more scary than funny

does this qualifies as a joke?

or

"Dyslexic man walks into a bra"

Or...

What is the difference between a man and a refrigerator? A refrigerator does'nt scream when I take the meat out of it :D

nice puzzle, man

THE HORSE RACE JOKE:

THE LINEUP:
In lane 1: Passionate Lady.
In lane 2: Bare Belly.
In lane 3: Silk Panties.
In lane 4: Conscience.
In lane 5: Jockey Shorts.
In lane 6: Clean Sheets.
In lane 7: Thighs.
In lane 8: Big Dick.
In lane 9: Heavy Bosom.
In lane 10: Merry Cherry.

AAAAAAAAAAND THEY'RE OFF.
Conscience is left behind at the gate... Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured and Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs, and Big Dick is in a dangerous spot...

AT THE HALFWAY MARK:
It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs open and Big Dick is pressed in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick...

AT THE STRETCH:
It's Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.....Big Dick is making a final drive... Big Dick moves inside and Passionate Lady is coming...

AT THE FINISH:
It's Big Dick giving everything he's got....Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but... Big Dick comes through with one final thrust, and wins by a head... Bare Belly shows and Thighs weaken... Heavy Bosom pulls up.....and Clean Sheets never had a chance!!!

An Arab Sheikh is on holiday at the Canary Islands. And he likes it very much. He goes to the local organizer and says

• It's very nice here and i want to bring my father here to rest.
• Well, no problem, bring him.
• But you know, the water temperature in the sea here is 27 degrees, and Dad loves 26. Not 25 or 27 but 26, i will pay whatever.
• Very well, we'll adjust it.
• In addition, the sand here is yellowish, and Dad loves white, of course I'll pay.
• Okay, I'll try.
• Also the birds here fly kind of randomly, but my father likes it when they fly from the west to the east
• Well, for birds ... we will figure something out.
• And one more thing , if you can rearrange the palms to be in rows , because right now they are very chaotic , of course I'll pay .
• Ok, we will figure something out for the pals as-well .

And so the father of the Sheikh arrives at the Canary Island to rest and enjoy life. He enters the sea, the sand is white , he dips his hand in the water - exactly 26 degrees, above him the birds fly from the west to the east, He looks around - palm trees planted in rows. He sit on a chair, closes his eyes and just before he takes a nap he blissfully and thinks -

• Its in moments like this you realize that happiness is not all about money !

:) and sorry for my bad english