the best true joke i know and yes it is true!! ^^

7 complicated facts about Women :

1. They believe in saving...

2. Believe in saving, but buy expensive clothes...

3. Buy expensive clothes, but never have anything
   2 wear...

4. Never have anything 2 wear, but always dressed
   beautifully...

5. Always dressed beautifully, but never satisfied...

6. Never satisfied, but still expect men to
   compliment them...

7. Expect men to compliment them,
   but don't believe them if complemented...

Two cross eyed people are walking towards each other and bump into one another. The first cross eyed guy says "Hey why don't you WATCH where you're going!" The second one responds with, "Hey why don't you GO where you're watching!"

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

Not sure if you have seen this yet but here:

The Italian Man Who Went To Malta

How are conductors and condoms alike? They are safer with, but more fun without!

I have another one. How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh? TEN TICKLES!

So I came home today and was shocked when my girlfriend yelled at me and called me a pedophile! I said, "Wow, that's a big word for an eight year old!"

A marathon runner, a wrestler, an engineer and a mathematician are tasked to bring a lion into a cage, placed somewhere in the african savannah.

The marathon runner jogs a few hours with the lion on his heels, until the lion is too exhausted to move anymore. Then he grabs him and pulls him into the cage.

The wrestler grabs the lion - POWERBOMB, ATOMIC DROP, a jump from the third branch of the local acacia, ...(1 hour later)... DDT, BODYSLAM, and finally a PILEDRIVER. A local zebra counts the lion out. The wrestler slams the lion into the cage and shuts the door.

The engineer produces some ropes, wood, stones and uses his pocketknife to connect all that into one big, messy looking machine (players of the incredible machine would be proud). The lion stares at this crazy contraption, when it starts to whirl. After some sudden, jerky movements the machines makes with the poor lion, it finally drops him into the cage and shuts it.

The mathematician sits in the cage, closes the door and redefines what is the inside and what is the outside of the cage.

Ok here's a joke. First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door. Funny sense of humour my plumber has.

ok, so here's one:
one day at kindergarten all the kids gather round to introduce themselves. and one at time start saying their names and why their parents chose that particular one. So, the first girl says: "hi, my parents named me daisy because when i was a baby daisy petals were blown by the wind in my crib", the second girl, Rose, said: " my parents called me Rose because when i was a baby the wind blew rose petals in my crib". Then came Violet who was named after the flower whose petals were found in the crib when she was sleeping as a baby. At last comes this ugly little boy. With a crooked nose, a distorted face, a hunched back and very short arms and legs. He says hello and introduces himself:"Hi, I'm Trunk"
hope you enjoyed it=D it was translated from Italian so excuse me if I messed up some of the grammar=P

heres another joke:

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to wank.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

Hello, don't have any joke, sorry. Was shopping on the indie gala bundle site about 1 hour ago, and waaaaay down at the bottom of the page I saw a chat window full of people working on your puzzle. :(

Why , when Chuck Norris looks into a mirror , the mirror shatters ?

Not even the mirror is stupid enough to stand between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris ( this is my favorite :D )

Joke entry:

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

got every question right except 2

There was an old rich man who was about to die.
As he was lying on his death bed, he called his butler and said to him, "Get all of my money together and put it in a suitcase. Then I want you to put that suitcase in the attic above my bed."
The butler was puzzled. "Why?" he asked.
"Because, I want to grab it on my way to heaven," was the old man's reply.
The butler said, "Sir, you cannot take your money to heaven. That's not possible."
But the dying man insisted that he was going to take his money to heaven when he died, and the butler agreed to gather the money.
The butler took the suitcase full of money to the attic and placed it directly above the old man's bed. When he came back down, the old man asked, "Did you do it?"
"Yes, the money is directly above your bed," the butler replied.
The old man closed his eyes and said, "Thank you."

A while later, the old man died, and after the funeral, the butler was in the house gathering a few of his belongings.
He looked at the door leading to the attic and decided that he just had to know.
He went to the attic, and sure enough, there was the suitcase full of money.
The butler stood there for a moment and said to himself, "I knew it... I knew it... I should have put it in the basement."

Random guy: Hey I saw you on TV yesterday
Random woman: Which channel ?
Random guy: Animal Planet

Someone has solved the puzzle! that proves it is doable... now to figure out number 2 and 3...

I finally have 2 years here, I want to make a giveaway but I have no money and I have no job. I feed off your life sources

Solved the puzzle, 15 solvers so far. Thanks for the giveaways!

Thanks!

i want it, btw happy merry xmas all

knock knock

whos there

Doctor

Doctor who?

correct!

Why did the midget walk in to the bar?

• I honestly have no idea, I would have thought he'd have been short enough to walk under it.

Thankee for sweet giveaways and some fun options for entering, Inflim. Must think on these puzzle questions O_o
And Congratulations on your year. :)

Okay, here's my joke:
Two guys entered a frat party for chemistry major students and tried to impress the hot bartender.
The first guy said, "I'll have some H2O, please."
The second guy said, "I'll have some H2O too."
The second guy died.

Thanks